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What Might Be Is Still Ahead

what might be is still ahead

As you recognize and begin to speak the primary love language of your child, we know the outcome will be a more solid family relationship and benefits for you and your children. As we said in chapter 1, speaking your child’s love language won’t end all problems, but it can bring stability to your home and hope to your child. It’s a wonderful opportunity.

But you may have doubts and other concerns as you begin to speak a new love language, concerns about your past or your abilities in the present. Such concerns also represent opportunities. We now look at those special opportunities you have, no matter your past or present situation.

It would seem that the ideal reader for this book is a couple just starting a family or who have very young children. We know, however, that some of our readers have older children in the home or even adult children. You may be thinking, If only I had read this book earlier … but it’s sort of late now. Many parents look back at the way they raised their family and realize that they didn’t do a very good job of meeting their children’s emotional needs. And now, those children may be grown and have families of their own.

If you are among those parents with regrets, you probably look back and ask why things went wrong. Maybe your work took you away from home too much in those critical child-rearing years. Or perhaps it was your own turbulent childhood that left you so unequipped to be a parent. You may have lived all your life with an empty love tank so that you never learned how to speak love to your children.

The wonderful thing about human relationships is that they are not static.

Even though you have learned a lot since those years, you may have concluded, “What happened, happened, and there’s not much we can do about it now.” We would like to suggest another possibility, “What might be is still ahead.” The opportunities are still there. The wonderful thing about human relationships is that they are not static. The potential for making them better is always present.

Developing a closer relationship with your teenage or adult children may require tearing down walls and building bridges—some very hard but rewarding work. Maybe it is time to admit to your children what you have already admitted to yourself—that you did not do a very good job of communicating love on an emotional level. If they are still in your home or live nearby, you can do this face-to-face, looking into their eyes and asking their forgiveness. Or you may need to write this in a letter, making a sincere apology and expressing a hope for a more positive relationship in the future. You can’t undo the past, but you can forge a different kind of future.

Perhaps you were not only poor communicators, but you actually abused your children, emotionally, physically, or sexually. Perhaps alcohol or other drugs were your cohorts in crime, or maybe your own pain and immaturity rendered you victims to your anger. Whatever your failure, it is never too late to tear down the walls. You can never build bridges until you get rid of the walls. (If you are still abusing your children, you likely will need a trained counselor to help you break this destructive pattern.)

The most positive thing to do with a past failure is to confess it and ask forgiveness. You cannot erase the deeds any more than you can erase all their results. But you can experience emotional and spiritual cleansing through confession and the possibility of forgiveness. Whether or not your children verbally express forgiveness, the fact that you have been mature enough to admit your failures gives them a bit more respect for you. In time, they may be open to your efforts to build bridges. And who knows, the day may come when they allow you the privilege of a closer relationship with them—and their children.

You can never build bridges until you get rid of the walls.

Even if you were not the parent you wish you had been, you can begin now to love your children in ways that will make them feel truly valued. And as they have children, you will know that you are influencing another generation of your family, those little ones who now will have a better chance at receiving unconditional love all their days.

With full love tanks, your grandchildren will be more receptive and active intellectually, socially, spiritually, and relationally than they would be without this. When children feel genuinely loved, their whole world looks brighter. Their inner spirit is more secure and they are far more likely to reach their potential for good in the world.

I (Gary) dream of a day when all children can grow up in homes filled with love and security, where their developing energies can be channeled to learning and serving rather than craving and searching for the love they did not receive at home. It is my desire that this book will help this dream to become a reality for many children.

Gary has mentioned the opportunity of emotional and spiritual cleansing through forgiveness. I (Ross) encourage you to remember the spiritual dimension of parenting. The greatest source of encouragement I have found in my own parenting is the promises of God. My wife, Pat, and I have had many difficult bridges to cross, including the birth of a profoundly retarded daughter, and we can assure you that God is always near, ready to help and honor each of His wonderful promises. My favorite promises for parents are in Psalm 37:25–26.

I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be blessed. (New International Version)

The Revised Standard Version of the Bible renders the final line, “and his children become a blessing.” I have stood on those two Scripture verses for many years and have tested those promises countless times. I have never seen the righteous forsaken. And I have seen the children of the righteous blessed and becoming a blessing.

As I have seen my children grow and mature in every way, I have been heartened not only that God is keeping His promises and blessing my children, but that I am truly His child also. Pat and I have gone through many trials in which we had real difficulty seeing our way, but God always came through and brought us out of them.

I want to encourage you in your parenting. No matter what your situation is now or will be in the future, God will never forsake you. He will always be there for you and see you through to the end. As you raise your children, there are opportunities to develop the spiritual aspects of their lives—and your own.

The Old Testament prophet Isaiah, declaring God’s words, wrote:

Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you ,

Yes, I will help you ,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 1

Such a verse can carry you through some rough periods in life and in parenting; that verse certainly has sustained Pat and me. Without God’s assurances and promises, I know our story would be quite different than it has been.

The psalmist calls children “a gift of the Lord,” a “reward,” a “heritage.”2 Children are the most wonderful gift we can have. If they mean so much to God, they should mean everything to us, their parents. I would like to suggest that you make a list of “requirements” for being a good parent. Don’t let the word requirement put pressure or guilt on you as a caring parent. These “requirements” should help you feel good about your authority and role as a parent. Relax and really enjoy your children.

When I was a fledgling dad, I found myself worrying; I was insecure in my parenting. But then I discovered that once a parent understands what a child needs, it is not that difficult to meet those “requirements.” The best news is that almost any caring parent is able to do this.

I urge you to make up your own requirement list. Start with a few items and then add to the list as you want to. When you see that you are meeting those requirements, you can be assured that your child is receiving good parenting, and you can relax and enjoy your child. It would be hard to describe to you how much this assurance has helped me. In fact, I soon found that I was a better parent than I ever thought I could be.

Most of the “requirements” for good parenting are in this book. If you want to make a list, I can give you a start. But the list won’t be complete or be yours until you frame it in your own thoughts and words. Here is my personal list, my own “Requirements to be a Good Parent”:

1 Keep my child’s emotional love tank full—speak the five love languages.

2 Use the most positive ways I can to control my child’s behavior: requests, gentle physical manipulation, commands, punishment, and behavior modification.

3 Lovingly discipline my child. Ask, “What does this child need?” and then go about it logically.

4 Do my best to handle my own anger appropriately and not dump it on my child. Be kind but firm.

5 Do my best to train my child to handle anger maturely—the goal is sixteen and one-half years.

I hope you will make your own requirement list soon. As you realize that you are able to do what you have written on your list, you will be able to relax and enjoy your children. And they will become increasingly secure in every way.

About The 5 Love Languages of Children

The 5 Love Languages of Children by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell is a groundbreaking parenting guide that reveals how every child has a unique way of understanding and receiving love. Building on the bestselling The 5 Love Languages concept, this book helps parents discover their child's primary love language and learn to speak it fluently.

About the Authors:

  • Dr. Gary Chapman is a renowned marriage counselor, bestselling author, and creator of the original Five Love Languages concept. His books have sold millions of copies worldwide and transformed countless relationships.
  • Dr. Ross Campbell is a psychiatrist specializing in children and adolescents, with decades of experience helping families build stronger emotional connections.

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