speaking the love languages in single-parent families

Filling a child’s love tank can seem difficult at times: you are tired, your child is demanding, and you may feel that you need love yourself. At least you have your spouse to help you. Or do you?

In millions of single-parent homes, the answer is no. Instead of two parents filling a child’s emotional tank on a regular basis, one does it alone. Instead of two parents giving love that flows through their marriage relationship, the love now is coming from a single mother or father who is wounded and lonely and pressured and without sufficient adult nurture.

Yet you can still speak your child’s love language, filling his love tank. Everything we have said about loving your children is true, whether they reside with one parent or two. Single-parent families face many added issues, yet the power of the five love languages is no less. We emphasize this, realizing that single-parent households comprise 29.5 percent of all households with children, according to 2009 U.S. Census statistics.1 Because so many children are living in single-parent homes, we feel compelled to address some of the special needs of these families, including how to practice the love languages with your children.

We realize one-parent homes are not all equal. Some were created by divorce and others by the death of a spouse. Some parents have never married—in 2008 40.6 percent of all children were born to unmarried parents.2 In those one-parent homes that resulted from divorce, some of the children have an ongoing positive contact with the noncustodial parent, while others suffer from a negative contact or total lack of relationship. Some single-parent families live near relatives and enjoy the benefit of closeness to grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. Many others live far away from relatives and have to pretty much fend for themselves.

No matter what your situation, if you are a parent raising your children alone, we know you can effectively show love to your family, particularly by speaking your children’s primary love language.

When It’s All Up to You

The single mother or father trying to meet the needs of children while at the same time maintaining a career and some semblance of a personal life knows the tensions on the home front. If this is your situation, you know all too well the time pressures, the economic demands, and the social and personal changes you and your children have experienced. You know the doubts about whether you can do an adequate job of parenting. You have heard all the judgments from supposed experts about the pitfalls awaiting your children. At times, you feel the loneliness and exhaustion of having to do everything yourself.

Most single-parent homes today are the result of divorce, and research continues to show that divorce can be traumatic for children, especially when the divorce is not handled well by the two parents.

When a parent dies, the child knows that there was no choice. Usually the death was preceded by an illness, and this helped the child to understand death. Divorce is a choice on the part of one or both parents, even when that “choice” does seem to be a necessity. A parent who has been widowed will have to deal with a child’s memories, but not with the quality of an ongoing helpful or hurtful connection with the one who is gone. A parent who has been divorced faces years of decisions in relationship to the noncustodial parent.

It would be hard to name another change that has more deeply affected the nature of our society today than divorce. Yet the increasing number of single-parent families created through divorce is a many-layered social problem beyond the scope of this book. Our focus is on what to do now: How can we help the children who find themselves in circumstances they never chose and cannot change? Our concern is also for the millions of single parents who are valiantly working to keep their families intact and to raise happy and responsible children.

How can we help the children who find themselves in circumstances they never chose and cannot change?

Healing the Wounded

The needs of children in such homes are the same as of children from intact families. It is the way that these needs are met that changes; one parent is the primary caregiver instead of two. And the caregiver, whether single through divorce, death, or never being married, is usually wounded. Wounded parents are trying to minister to their wounded children and at the same time hoping to convince them that life can be fairly normal. Instead of the children having to cope with just the ordinary challenges of growing up, they now take on another whole set of concerns that ideally should not be part of their world.

Judith Wallerstein, founder of The Center for the Family in Transition, has done the most extensive research about the effects of divorce upon children. In her book Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce 3 she indicates that she entered her research with the notion commonly held among many adults: Divorce brings short-term pain, but eventually it provides greater happiness and fulfillment for everyone involved.

Wallerstein’s years of research have found that this assumption is not true. In many ways, children never get over the pain of divorce.

Most of the children whom Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee, and their associates interviewed saw themselves as being in a special category, “Children of Divorce.” They felt a bond with others who had gone through the same experiences. The most common emotions of these children were fear, anger, and anxiety. As long as ten years after the parents divorced, these feelings still frequently surfaced.

Helping Your Child through the Grief

Such feelings can readily drain love from a child’s emotional tank. As you speak your child’s primary love language in order to refill her tank, be aware much love is needed. Denial, anger, then bargaining, and more anger—these are common responses to grief, which is felt by both children of divorce and those who have experienced the death of a parent. Eventually children find some level of acceptance to the loss of one parent. Some children can move through these stages of grieving more quickly if significant adults in their lives seek to openly communicate with them about their loss. They need someone to talk with and cry with. If family members cannot be involved in a helpful way, then a sympathetic pastor, friend, or counselor may fill this role.

Let’s consider each of the responses and how parents and other adult friends can help the child move toward acceptance. Significantly, speaking the child’s primary love language along the way will help the child in processing his grief.

Denial

Typically, the first response is denial. No child wants to believe that his parents are splitting up, or that one parent has died. He will talk as if his parents are simply separated for a season, or that the deceased parent is on a journey and will soon return. In this stage, the child is very frightened and feels a profound sense of sadness and loss. He may cry often from his intense longing that his parents be reunited. In the case of divorce, he may also sense that he is rejected.

Anger

The denial stage is accompanied and followed by intense anger. The child is angry at the parents for violating the unwritten rules of parenthood: Parents are supposed to care for their children, not abandon them. This anger may be expressed openly in words or may be held inside, for fear of upsetting the parents or fear of being punished for angry words and behavior. A child who is openly angry may have temper tantrums, verbal explosions, and may even be physically destructive. The child feels powerless—she has no say in what is happening to her. She also has a sense of profound loneliness and feels unable to talk with anyone.

The child intensely needs to feel loved, to know that someone really cares.

The child’s anger may be directed at the parent who left or at the custodial parent or both. In the case of death, the anger may be directed toward God. The child intensely needs to feel loved, to know that someone really cares. He is not likely to receive this from the parent who left. The child may or may not receive meaningful love from the custodial parent. And if a child believes that the parent who is present bears responsibility for the divorce, he may not be open to loving expressions from either parent. For that reason, grandparents and other family members, teachers, and religious leaders need to be sensitive to their opportunity to significantly meet the child’s need for love. If they are aware of the child’s primary love language, their efforts at meeting his emotional needs will be more effective.

Robbie’s love language was physical touch. His father left when he was nine years old. Looking back, Robbie says, “If it had not been for my granddaddy, I’m not sure I would have made it. The first time I saw him after my father left, he took me in his arms and held me for a long time. He didn’t say anything, but I knew he loved me and would always be there for me. Every time he came to see me, he hugged me and when he left, he did the same thing. I don’t know if he knew how much the hugs meant to me, but they were like rain in the desert for me.

“My mom helped a lot by letting me talk and by asking me questions and encouraging me to share my pain. I knew she loved me, but in the early stages, I wasn’t willing to receive her love,” Robbie admitted. “She would try to hug me and I’d push her away. I think I blamed her for my father leaving. It wasn’t until I found out that he left for another woman that I realized how I had misjudged her. Then I started receiving her hugs and we became close again.”

Bargaining

Denial and anger are followed by bargaining. When parents separate, the child will make every effort to bring them back together. This may involve talking with the parents separately and together, pleading for them to work out their differences and reestablish the family unit. If verbal bargaining doesn’t work, the child may subconsciously try manipulation by misbehaving in radical ways to get her parents’ attention. She may also be testing the parents to see if they really care about her well-being. Her response could be drug use, petty theft, vandalism, sexual activity, or even suicide.

More Anger

Following bargaining will be more anger. In the hearts of children whose parents divorce, anger runs deep and lingers long. For at least a year after the divorce, they will probably struggle with emotions of guilt, anger, fear, and insecurity. Channeling so much energy into these feelings may result in lower grades at school, more aggressive negative social behavior, lessened respect for all adults, and intense loneliness. It is within such a painful setting that single parents seek to meet their children’s need for love and at the same time establish some semblance of normalcy to the home. Theirs is not an easy task.

Wallerstein recently wrote: “After divorce you walk alone. All you’ve got is you. And it’s scary.” At the same time, “Little children need you more often … They are jittery and moody, and more clinging … Raising children always requires more time than you expected. They have more crises than you ever dreamed of. They demand sacrifice of time, money, hours spent at adult work and play.”4

Learning to fill your child’s love tank while your own is running low may seem difficult. But, like Robbie’s mother, the wise parent will come to understand what her child uniquely needs—and seek to meet that need.

How Stories Help

Children who are overwhelmed with negative feelings have a hard time thinking clearly. If you are the single parent of such children, reading together can help your children begin to think clearly about their pain and loss. You will want to have a storybook they can understand. Select stories, songs, and poems appropriate to the ages of your children, through the early teen years. This can be a warm, bonding time. Many enjoyable stories have strong ethical and moral lessons, such as “Pinocchio” and stories by Beatrix Potter. There are several guides to help you choose good literature. We recommend Honey for a Child’s Heart , by Gladys Hunt; Books That Build Character , by William Kilpatrick; and The Book of Virtues , by William Bennett.

Be alert to your child’s reactions as you read to her. Ask what she is thinking, to open opportunities for discussion at her level. If you are reading about a child or animal that is lost and your child expresses concern, you have a great opportunity to praise her for her caring heart. You can also talk about what it feels like to be lost, or to lose someone dear to you.

Children also need help in playing the blame game. Anger can confuse their thinking. It is not uncommon for them to believe that blaming other people is justified, simply because they feel angry. When they are calm, you can explain different sides of a situation, not only about other children but also about what has happened in your family. Especially when children feel terribly wronged by a parent they think has abandoned them, they need to know that their sense of loss is natural and nothing to feel guilty about.

And, as you read together, you can talk about what is happening in your children’s daily lives. You can also make up stories together. This will help you to understand what is going on inside your children, at levels they may be unable to articulate in discussion.

Ask for Help!

No parent can single-handedly meet a child’s need for love. As we said before, some children may choose not to accept love from either parent; their hurt and anger are so great that they will not allow the possibility of love. This is where grandparents and other extended family members, as well as church and community resources, come into play.

If you are a single parent, don’t wait until people ask if they can help. Some may be holding back, not wanting to interfere in your family. Others may not be aware of your situation. If you or your children need help, you may want to investigate the resources available in your community. Someone at your children’s school or your church can guide you in your search.

Extended family members are always important, but they become even more crucial when children suffer losses. For instance, nearby grandparents can help the grandchildren in several ways during the school week, and their presence can cheer their own single-parent son or daughter. They may be able to come over and help the children get ready for school in the morning or help chauffeur in the afternoon. They also take some of the emotional burden off the single parent.

There are many people who would be glad to help single-parent families if they know that their help is needed. They want to feel useful, and you need some help. The only problem is getting these two together. A local church is a good place to make this happen, and some churches are networking in just such a way. If you find it difficult to make your needs known, just remember that you are doing this not primarily for yourself but for the well-being of your children.

There are many people who would be glad to help single-parent families if they know that their help is needed.

Love Languages in the Single-Parent Household

A child’s need for emotional love is just as important after the divorce as it was before. The difference is that the child’s love tank has been ruptured by the severe trauma of divorce. The love tank will have to be repaired by hours of sympathetic listening and processing of the emotions we have talked about. Someone must nurture the child through the grief process if that child is ever again to believe that he or she is truly loved. The process of repairing the love tank is itself an expression of love. Listening much, talking less, helping your child face reality, acknowledging hurt, empathizing with pain is all part of it.

Of course, the primary way to refill the love tank is to speak your child’s love language. Keep in mind that the child’s primary love language does not change simply because the parents have separated due to divorce or death. Learn your child’s love language and then tell the significant adults in your child’s life what the child’s primary love language is.

In the early weeks following adivorce, other significant adults may be the only ones able to express love to the child.

In the early weeks following a divorce, when a child may be unable to receive love from either parent, other significant adults may be the only ones able to express love to the child. If your child receives love primarily through affirming words, he may well receive them from grandparents or other adults yet temporarily reject them from you. A child whose primary love language is gifts may actually throw a gift back in the face of a parent recently divorced. Do not be angered by this but realize the behavior is part of your child’s grieving process. Once the child has reached the acceptance stage and understands that he cannot put his parents’ marriage back together, and that he is going to be living in a single-parent home, he may perhaps receive love on an emotional level from both parents.

If children receive the right kinds of love at times when they especially need it, they can come through the pains of family separation intact and go on to satisfying adult lives. One example of this is Bob Kobielush, president of the Christian Camping Foundation. Bob’s father was a successful businessman and his mother was a homemaker. When Bob was young, his father gave up his business to join a cult, moving the family of five boys several times. When his father became ill with polio and was completely disabled, the family returned to their home state of Wisconsin to be near extended family. When Bob was nine, his parents divorced.

About this time, Bob and his brothers came under Christian influence and they all received Christ as their Savior. With no means of support, their mother was forced to go on welfare until she was able to get enough odd jobs. She later finished her academic preparation and became a teacher.

Today Bob and his brothers are all happily married, well educated, and productive. Bob says, “Mom always majored on the majors in positive ways. She didn’t talk about the negative things. It seemed as if we were a normal family. I didn’t know we weren’t. I don’t know how we would have turned out without a godly mother and extended family to model the practical Christian life. I thank God for my background and for my single mom.”

Your children can become more resilient, productive, and creative if the circumstances are right.

Archibald Hart, dean emeritus of the School of Psychology at Fuller Seminary in California, credits the power of family and God for his growing strong in a single-parent home. Originally from South Africa, the Hart family broke up after years of conflict. Archibald’s mother seemed happier after the divorce, but economic worries compelled her to send Archibald and his brother to live with their grandparents. They were a strong Christian influence, motivating the boys by saying, “There is nothing you can’t do.”

Hart gives this advice to single parents: “Nothing is unchangeable. If you have no support network now, build it, and you will be amazed at how many will respond. Your children can become more resilient, productive, and creative if the circumstances are right. A life that is too easy is not good for the soul.”5

Keep up your hope and hold on to your dreams for your children. While things may seem rough now, there is another day, another year. If you and the children are making steady progress away from the sense of loss, if you are all growing in the many areas of life, you can feel assured that the growth will continue. It has become a pattern, a habit that will not easily be forgotten.

Meeting Your Own Need for Love

While we have talked primarily about the child whose parents have divorced, we are keenly aware that the single parent seeking to meet the child’s needs is also a creature of need. While the child is working through the emotions of guilt, fear, anger, and insecurity, one or both parents are also working through similar emotions. The mother who has been abandoned by a husband may have found a new male interest; the mother who forced a physically abusive spouse to leave now struggles with her own feelings of rejection and loneliness. A single parent’s emotional need for love is just as real as anyone else’s need. Because that need cannot be met by the former spouse or by the child, the single parent often reaches out to friends. This is an effective way to begin to have your love tank filled.

A word of caution as you make new friends. The single parent at this point is extremely vulnerable to members of the opposite sex who may take advantage in a time of weakness. Because the single parent so desperately needs love, there is grave danger of accepting that love from someone who will take advantage sexually, financially, or emotionally. It is extremely important that the newly single parent be very selective in making new friends. The safest source for love is from long-term friends who know members of the extended family. A single parent who tries to satisfy the need for love in an irresponsible manner can end up with tragedy upon tragedy.

With your children, you have a tremendous resource of love. For deep down they do love you. And they need your love. As psychologists Sherill and Prudence Tippins say, “The best gift you can give your child is your own emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual health.”6 As painful as it may seem, the truth is that you may be a single parent for many years. During this time, long or short, you will want to give your children the example of integrity and responsibility that can be a model for them in their journey to responsible adulthood.

About The 5 Love Languages of Children

The 5 Love Languages of Children by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell is a groundbreaking parenting guide that reveals how every child has a unique way of understanding and receiving love. Building on the bestselling The 5 Love Languages concept, this book helps parents discover their child's primary love language and learn to speak it fluently.

About the Authors:

Dr. Gary Chapman is a renowned marriage counselor, bestselling author, and creator of the original Five Love Languages concept. His books have sold millions of copies worldwide and transformed countless relationships.
Dr. Ross Campbell is a psychiatrist specializing in children and adolescents, with decades of experience helping families build stronger emotional connections.

Chapter 11: Speaking the Love Languages in Single-Parent Families