T HE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES OF CHILDREN

physical touch
words of affirmation
quality time
gifts
acts of service

physical touch

Samantha is a fifth-grader whose family recently moved to a new community. “It’s been hard this year, moving and having to make new friends. Back at my old school, I knew everybody and they knew me.” When we asked if she ever felt as if her parents didn’t love her because they took her away from her old school and town, Samantha said, “Oh, no, I never felt they did this on purpose. I know they love me, because they always give me lots of extra hugs and kisses. I wish we hadn’t had to move, but I know Daddy’s job is important.”

Samantha’s love language is physical touch; those touches tell her Mom and Dad love her. Hugs and kisses are the most common way of speaking this love language, but there are other ways, too. A dad tosses his year-old son in the air. He spins his seven-year-old daughter round and round, and she laughs wildly. A mom reads a story with her three-year-old on her lap.

Such touching activities happen between parents and children, but not as often as you may think. Studies indicate that many parents touch their children only when it is necessary: when they are dressing or undressing them, putting them in the car, or carrying them to bed. It seems that many parents are unaware of how much their children need to be touched and how easily they can use this means to keep their children’s emotional tanks filled with unconditional love.

Physical touch is the easiest love language to use unconditionally, because parents need no special occasion or excuse to make physical contact. They have almost constant opportunity to transfer love to the heart of a child with touch. The language of touch is not confined to a hug or a kiss but includes any kind of physical contact. Even when they are busy, parents can often gently touch a child on the back, arm, or shoulder.

Though some parents are quite demonstrative, others almost try to avoid touching their children. Often this limited physical touching occurs because parents simply do not realize their pattern or do not know how to change it. Many are glad to learn how they can show love in this most basic way.

Chris was worried about his relationship with his four-year-old daughter, Audrey, because she was pulling away from him and seemed to avoid being with him. Chris had a big heart, but he was very reserved and usually kept his feelings to himself. He had always felt uncomfortable in expressing his emotions through physical touch. Because he wanted so much to be close to Audrey, he was willing to make some changes, and began showing love to her with a light touch on her arm, back, or shoulders. Gradually he increased his use of this love language and eventually could hug and kiss his precious daughter without feeling uncomfortable.

This change wasn’t easy for Chris, but as he became more demonstrative, he discovered that Audrey needed extraordinary amounts of paternal affection. If she didn’t receive it, she would become angry and upset. Chris came to understand how a lack of affection on his part could distort Audrey’s relationships with all males later on.

A Young Child’s Need for Touch

Chris found out the power of this particular love language. In recent years, many research studies have come to the same conclusion: Babies who are held, caressed, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.

Physical touch is one of love’s strongest voices. It shouts, “I love you!” The importance of touching children is not a modern notion. In the first century AD, the Hebrews living in Palestine brought their children to Jesus “to have Him touch them.” The writer Mark reported that the disciples of Jesus rebuked the parents, thinking their teacher was too busy with “important” matters to spend time on children. But Jesus was indignant with His disciples. “‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.’ And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.”1

You will learn to spot your child’s primary language in chapter 7. It may not be physical touch—but that does not matter. All children need to be touched, and wise parents in many cultures recognize the importance of touching their children. They also recognize the need to have their children receive the tender touch of other significant adults, such as grandparents.

Touch through the Growing Years

Infants and Toddlers

Our children need plenty of touches during their first few years. Fortunately, to hold and cuddle an infant seems almost instinctual for mothers, and in most cultures fathers also actively participate in giving affection.

But in busy America, parents sometimes do not touch children as much as they should. They work long hours and often come home tired. If a mother works, she should be sure the caregiver is free and able to touch. Will the child be lovingly touched throughout the day or left to lie in a crib alone, unattended, and unloved? In child care, a baby deserves loving and gentle touches whether in changing diapers or during feeding or carrying. Even an infant is able to tell the difference between gentle and harsh or irritating touches. Parents should make every effort to ensure the loving treatment of their children during the hours they are apart.

As a baby grows and becomes more active, the need for touch does not lessen. Hugs and kisses, wrestling on the floor, riding piggyback, and other playful loving touches are vital to the child’s emotional development. Children need many meaningful touches every day, and parents should make every effort to provide these expressions of love. If you are not naturally a “hugger,” you may feel that you’re consciously going against your natural tendency. But you can learn. When we come to understand the importance of lovingly touching our children, we are motivated to change.

Boys and girls alike need physical affection, yet young boys often receive less than young girls. There are many reasons for this, but the most common is that some parents feel that physical affection will somehow feminize a boy. Of course, this is not true. The fact is that the more parents keep the emotional tank full, the healthier the child’s self-esteem and sexual identity will be.

School–age Children

When your child begins school, he still has a strong need for physical touch. A hug given as he leaves each morning may be the difference between emotional security and insecurity throughout the day. A hug when the child returns home may determine whether your child has a quiet evening of positive mental and physical activity or makes a rambunctious effort to get your attention. Why is this? Children are facing new experiences at school each day and they feel both positive and negative emotions toward teachers and peers. Therefore, home should be a haven, the place where love is secure. Remember, physical touch is one of love’s strong languages. As it is spoken in a natural and comfortable way, your child becomes more comfortable and has an easier time communicating with other people.

But I have a couple of boys, and as they grow older, they have less need for affection and especially for physical touch , some may argue. Not so! All children need physical contact throughout their childhood and adolescence. Many boys from age seven to nine go through a stage when they are resistant to affectionate touch, and yet they still need physical contact. They tend to be responsive to more vigorous contact such as wrestling, jostling, playful hitting, bear hugs, high fives, and the like. Girls also enjoy this type of physical touch, but they do not resist the softer touches as well, for unlike boys, they do not go through the affection-resistant stage as boys do.

Much physical touch at this stage in a child’s life will come through playing games. Basketball, football, and soccer are all contact sports. When you are playing games together in the backyard, you are combining both quality time and physical touch. But touch should not be limited to such play. Running your hand through your child’s hair, touching him on the shoulder or arm, patting him on the back or leg, along with some encouraging words, are all meaningful expressions of love to a growing child.

Much physical touch at this stage in a child’s life will come through playing games.

A favorite kind of physical touch for many parents is to hold a small child while reading a story. This enables parents to maintain the touch for longer periods of time, something deeply meaningful to the child that becomes a lifelong memory.

Other times when physical touch is important are when a child is sick, hurt physically or emotionally, tired, or when something funny or sad has taken place. Parents need to make sure that they treat boys in the same way they do girls at such times. Most boys tend to consider physical affection as “feminine” in some periods of their development; when they are resistant, it is easier for parents to keep more distance from them. Also, some adults regard boys as less appealing during certain stages. If parents experience such feelings, it is important to resist them; go ahead and give boys the physical touch they need, even if they act as if they don’t want it.

From Tweens to Teens

During your child’s grade school years, it is essential to remember that you are preparing him or her for the most difficult part of childhood—adolescence. When a child is small, it is comparatively easy to fill the emotional tank. Of course, it becomes empty very fast and must be replenished. As the child grows, the emotional love tank also grows and keeping it full becomes more difficult. Eventually that boy will be bigger than you, and stronger and smarter—just ask him! And your daughter will become a wonderful adult-like person who is brighter and smarter than you are!

Continue to fuel their tanks with love, even when they may not give you signs of their needs. While boys approaching adolescence may pull back from touch, fearing it’s too feminine, girls may find their fathers pulling back. If you want to properly prepare your preadolescent daughter for the future, don’t hold back with the touches. Here’s why.

During the preadolescent stage, girls have a particular need for expressions of love from their fathers. Unlike boys, the importance of being assured of unconditional love increases for girls and seems to reach a zenith around the age of eleven. One reason for this special need is that mothers generally provide more physical affection at this stage than fathers do.

If you could watch a group of sixth-grade girls at school, you would see the difference between those who are prepared for adolescence and those who are struggling. As a girl nears this delicate stage in her life, she intuitively knows that she needs to feel good about herself. She also unconsciously knows that she needs to have a good sexual identity in order to weather the years ahead. It is crucial that she feel valuable as a female.

As you watch the girls, you will see that some have a difficult time relating to the opposite sex. They are either shy or withdrawn around boys, or they may be flirtatious and even seductive. While boys may enjoy the flirtations of an attractive girl, they do not hold her in high regard and usually ridicule her in private. But the real agony for this girl is not just her reputation but her ongoing relationships with other girls. They tend to resent her because of her behavior with boys. At this age, having normal and supportive friendships with other girls is far more important than getting along with boys. These friendships also set a lifelong pattern.

Some of those girls you observe do not resort to awkward behavior with boys. They can simply be themselves because of their healthy self-esteem and sexual identity. Their behavioral patterns are consistent and stable, whether they are interacting with the star quarterback or a shy, hesitant boy. You also notice that the boys hold them in high esteem. But best of all, they have close, supportive, meaningful relationships with other girls.

Girls with strong and healthy self-esteem and sexual identity can better stand against negative peer pressure. They are more able to hold on to the moral standards they were taught at home, and are better equipped to think for themselves.

What makes the difference in these girls? Some have such problems with their peer relationships and others are doing beautifully. You guessed it—the emotional love tank. Most of those who are doing well have fathers who take their part in keeping the emotional tank full. But if a girl does not have a father present in the home, all is not lost. She may find a good father substitute in a grandfather or uncle. Many fatherless girls grow to be healthy women in every way.

Your Teenager and Touch

When your child reaches the teen years, it is important that you show your love in positive ways and also at the right times and places. Mothers should never hug a son in the presence of his peers. He is seeking to develop his own independent identity, and such behavior embarrasses him; it will also likely make him the brunt of jokes later on. However, at the end of the day, in the privacy of the home after the son has had a grueling football practice, his mother’s hug may indeed be received as an expression of love.

Some fathers withdraw from hugging and kissing their teenage daughters, feeling that it is inappropriate at this stage. In fact, just the opposite is true. A teenage girl needs the hugs and kisses of her father; and if he withdraws, she will likely seek physical touch from another male and often in an unwholesome manner. But here again, time and place are important. Unless a girl initiates a hug in public, it is well to refrain. But at home, you can take the initiative.

Teenagers find hugs and other forms of loving touch especially helpful when they are going through a difficult time or struggling with an impossible project at school. And don’t forget, physical touch from the same-sex parent is also important. Fathers hugging sons and mothers hugging daughters are appropriate at every stage of our children’s development. A son needs his father’s loving touch as well as his mother’s, and a daughter needs an adequate supply of loving expression from her mother as well as from her father.

If you look for ways to show loving touch to your teenage children, you will find them. For instance, when they come home sore after a practice in their favorite sport, you can offer to rub the stiffness out of their muscles. Or, after they have been intensely studying for some hours, you might massage their sore necks and offer some relaxation as well as a loving touch. And many children like to have their backs scratched, even after they are grown and living away from home.

You don’t want to force physical touch on a teenager.

However, you don’t want to force physical touch on a teenager. If he pulls away from your embrace or jumps back when you touch his shoulder, don’t pursue it. For some reason your child doesn’t wish to be touched at this time. The reason might have nothing to do with you or might be related to another aspect of your relationship. Teenagers are filled with emotions, thoughts, and desires, and sometimes they just don’t want to be touched. You need to honor their feelings, whether they are expressed in words or by actions. However, if they consistently refuse your touch, you then need to make a time to talk with them about the reasons for this.

Remember, you are a role model for your children; they will be watching the way you practice physical touch. One way you can tell if they are following your example is to watch their use of physical touch. It is wonderful to see your children using this love language effectively in relating to others.

When Your Child’s Primary Love Language Is Touch

Is your child’s primary love language touch? Be sure to read chapter 7 to determine for sure. However, here are some clues. For children who understand this love language, physical touch will communicate love more deeply than will the words “I love you,” or giving a present, fixing a bicycle, or spending time with them. Of course, they receive love in all the languages, but for them the one with the clearest and loudest voice is physical touch. Without hugs, kisses, pats on the back, and other physical expressions of love, their love tanks will remain less than full.

When you use physical touch with these children, your message of love will come through loud and clear. A tender hug communicates love to any child, but it shouts love to these children. Conversely, if you use physical touch as an expression of anger or hostility, you will hurt these children very deeply. A slap in the face is detrimental to any child, but it is devastating to children whose primary love language is touch.

Michelle didn’t learn about the five love languages until her son Jaden was twelve years old. At the end of a love languages seminar, she turned to a friend and said, “Now I finally understand Jaden. For years he has annoyed me by constantly picking at me. When I’m working at the computer, he walks up behind me, puts his hands around my face and covers my eyes. If I walk past him, he reaches out and pinches my arm. If I walk through the room when he’s lying on the floor, he grabs my leg. Sometimes he pulls my arms behind me. He used to run his hands through my hair when I was sitting on the couch, although he doesn’t anymore since I told him to keep his hands out of my hair. He does the same thing to his father, and the two of them usually end up in a wrestling match on the floor.

“Now I realize that Jaden’s primary love language is physical touch. All these years, he has been touching me because he wants to be touched. I admit that I’m not much of a toucher—my parents were not hugging people. I now realize that my husband has been loving Jaden with his wrestling, while I have been drawing back from his efforts to get love from me. How could I have missed it all this time—it seems so simple now.”

That night Michelle talked with her husband about the seminar. William was somewhat surprised by what he heard. “I hadn’t thought of the wrestling as love, but that makes a lot of sense,” he told his wife. “I was just doing what came naturally for me. And you know, physical touch is my primary love language too.”

When Michelle heard this, another light went on. No wonder William was always wanting to hug and kiss! Even when he wasn’t interested in sex, he was the “touchiest” person she had ever met. That night Michelle felt as if she had almost too many new things to think about, and yet she determined to learn to speak the love language of physical touch. She would start by simply responding to their touches.

The next time Jaden came by where she was sitting at the computer and put his hands over her eyes, she rose, turned, and gave him a bear hug. Jaden was surprised, but he laughed. And the next time William put his arms around her, she responded the way she did when they were dating. He smiled and said, “I’m going to send you to more seminars. This stuff really works!”

Michelle persisted in her efforts to learn a new love language and, in due time, touching began to feel more comfortable for her. But long before she felt fully comfortable, William and Jaden were reaping the benefits of her physical touches and were responding to her by speaking her primary love language, acts of service. Jaden was picking up after himself and William was vacuuming, and Michelle thought she'd gone to heaven.

About The 5 Love Languages of Children

The 5 Love Languages of Children by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell is a groundbreaking parenting guide that reveals how every child has a unique way of understanding and receiving love. Building on the bestselling The 5 Love Languages concept, this book helps parents discover their child's primary love language and learn to speak it fluently.

About the Authors:

Dr. Gary Chapman is a renowned marriage counselor, bestselling author, and creator of the original Five Love Languages concept. His books have sold millions of copies worldwide and transformed countless relationships.
Dr. Ross Campbell is a psychiatrist specializing in children and adolescents, with decades of experience helping families build stronger emotional connections.

Love Language #3 - Quality Time