Chapter 6: Love Language #5 - Acts of Service
T HE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES OF CHILDREN
physical touch
words of affirmation
quality time
gifts
acts of service
words of affirmation
“Does my father love me? Yes, because when I play ball, he always cheers, and after the game he tells me, ‘Thanks for playing hard.’ He says that the main thing is not to win but to do my best.”
Sam, age fourteen, continued. “Sometimes I make mistakes, but he tells me not to worry. He says I’ll do better if I keep on doing my best.”
In communicating love, words are powerful. Words of affection and endearment, words of praise and encouragement, words that give positive guidance all say, “I care about you.” Such words are like a gentle, warm rain falling on the soul; they nurture the child’s inner sense of worth and security. Even though such words are quickly said, they are not soon forgotten. A child reaps the benefits of affirming words for a lifetime.
Conversely, cutting words, spoken out of short-lived frustration, can hurt a child’s self-esteem and cast doubts about his abilities. Children think we deeply believe what we say. The ancient Hebrew proverb did not overstate the reality: “The tongue has the power of life and death.”1
The second love language is words of affirmation. Some children feel their greatest sense of love in expressions that affirm them. These expressions need not be the words “I love you,” as we will see.
Understanding “I Love You”
Long before they can understand the meanings of words, children receive emotional messages. The tone of voice, the gentleness of mood, the sense of caring all communicate emotional warmth and love. All parents talk to their infants, and what the babies understand is the look on the face and the affectionate sounds, combined with physical closeness.
Because young children grow gradually in their ability to use words and concepts, they will not always know what we mean by our words, even when we say, “I love you.” Love is an abstract concept. They can’t see love as they can see a toy or a book. Because children tend to think concretely, we need to help them understand what we mean when we express our love. The words “I love you” take on greater meaning when the child can associate them with your affectionate feelings, and often this means physical closeness. For instance, when you are reading to a child at bedtime, holding your little one close, at a point in the story where the child’s feelings are warm and loving, you can softly say, “I love you, Honey.”
Because children tend to think concretely, we need to help them understand what we mean when we express our love.
Once your child begins to understand what your “I love you” means, you can use these words in different ways and times, so that they become connected to regular events, such as sending a child off to play or to school. Also, you can combine your words of love with genuine praise for something about your child. Kathleen, now a mother of two, says, “I remember how my mother used to talk about my beautiful red hair. Her positive comments as she combed my hair before school have been a constant part of my self-perception. Years later when I discovered that we redheads are in the minority, I never had negative feelings about my red hair. I’m sure my mother’s loving comments had a lot to do with that.”
The Right Kind of Praise
Praise and affection are often combined in the messages we give to a child. We need to distinguish the two. Affection and love mean expressing appreciation for the very being of a child , for those characteristics and abilities that are part of the total package of the person. In contrast, we express praise for what the child does , either in achievements or behavior or conscious attitudes. Praise, as we are using it here, is for something over which the child has a degree of control.
Because you want words of praise to be genuinely meaningful to your child, you need to be careful about what you say. If you use praise too frequently, your words will have little positive effect. For example, you may say something like, “You are a good girl.” Those are wonderful words, but you need to be wise in using them. It is more effective to say this when the child has done something for which she feels good and would expect a compliment. This is especially true with specific compliments such as, “Great catch!” when it was just an average catch. Children know when praise is given for justified reasons and when it is given simply to make them feel good, and they may interpret the latter as insincere.
If you use praise too frequently, your words will have little positive effect.
Frequent random praise is risky for another reason. Some children become so accustomed to this type of praise that they assume it is natural and they come to expect it. When they are in situations where such praise is not given, they assume something is wrong with them and they become anxious. When they see other children who do not receive such bolstering, they can wonder why they feel such excessive need of praise.
Of course, we want to praise children we care about, but we want to make sure that the praise is both true and justified. Otherwise they may regard it as flattery, which they can equate with lying.
The Power of Encouragement
The word encourage means “to instill courage.” We are seeking to give children the courage to attempt more. To a young child, almost every experience is new. Learning to walk, to talk, or to ride a bicycle requires constant courage. By our words, we either encourage or discourage the child’s efforts.
Speech pathologists say that children learn to speak by mimicking adults, but that the process is enhanced if the adults not only pronounce the words clearly but also give verbal encouragement to the child’s struggling attempts to say them correctly. Statements such as, “That’s close, that’s good, yes, great, you’ve got it,” encourage the child not only in learning the words at hand but also in developing future vocabulary.
The same principle is true in the child’s learning of social skills. “I saw how you shared your toys with Madison. I like that—life is much easier when we share.” Words such as these give a child that added inner motivation to go against what might be a natural desire to hoard. Or consider a parent who says to a sixth-grader, “Danny, I noticed that tonight after the game you were listening closely to Scott as he shared his feelings about his game. I was so proud of you for giving him your undivided attention, even though others were slapping you on the back as they walked by. Listening to people is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.” This parent is instilling in Danny the courage to develop the art of listening, one of the most important arts in the field of human relationships.
Maybe you find it difficult to use encouraging words. Keep in mind that one aspect of feeling encouraged is feeling good physically. Exuberance and vitality require energy; this means as parents we need to be in the best possible health physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When we feel encouraged, we are better able to encourage our children. In two-parent households, the parents should encourage one another; if you’re a single parent, have trusted friends or relatives who will bolster your spirits and energy.
The greatest enemy of encouraging our children is anger. The more anger the parent harbors, the more anger the parent will dump on the children. The result will be children who are both antiauthority and anti-parent. This naturally means that a thoughtful parent will do all in his or her power to assuage anger—to keep it to a minimum and to handle it maturely.
The writer of Proverbs is wise indeed: “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”2 The volume of a parent’s voice has great influence over a child’s reaction to what the parent says. It takes practice to speak softly, but we can all learn how to do it. Also, when we are feeling tense with our children, we can learn to speak calmly, asking questions whenever possible, rather than issuing commands. For example, which of these statements would best encourage a child or teenager? “Take out the garbage now!” or “Would you take out the garbage for me, please?” When we try to encourage our children in a particular matter, they will more likely respond favorably rather than reject our ideas.
The volume of a parent’s voice has a great influence over a child’s reaction to what the parent says.
Years ago a middle-school teacher in Minnesota did a remarkable thing. She asked her students to list the names of all the other students in the class, leaving a space between names. Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. At the end of the period she collected these sheets and over the weekend, she wrote the name of each student on a separate sheet and listed what everyone had said about that person. On Monday, she gave each student his or her list.
As they began reading, they started whispering to each other, “I never knew that meant anything to anyone” or, “I didn’t know others liked me so much.” The papers were never discussed in class, but the teacher knew the exercise was a success because it gave her students such a positive feeling about themselves.
Several years later, one of those students was killed in Vietnam. After his body was returned to Minnesota, most of his classmates, along with the math teacher, attended the funeral. At the luncheon after the service, the father of the young man said to the teacher, “I want to show you something,” and took a wallet out of his pocket. “They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.” Opening the billfold, he removed two worn sheets of notebook paper which had been taped, folded, and refolded many times. It was the list of good things Mark’s classmates had written about him.
“Thank you so much for doing that,” Mark’s mother told the teacher. “As you can see, our son treasured it.” One by one, Mark’s classmates began to reveal that each of them still had their sheet and that they read it often. Some carried it in a billfold; one had even put it in his wedding album. One man said, “I think we all saved our list.”3
Right Message, Wrong Manner
Encouraging words are most effective when they are focused on a specific effort your child has made. The goal is to catch your child doing something good and then commend him for it. Yes, this takes far more effort than catching your child doing something wrong and then condemning him for it, but the end result is worth it: direction that guides your child in his moral and ethical development.
Children need guidance. They learn to speak by being exposed to a particular language. They learn how to behave by living in a certain kind of society. In most cultures, parents have the primary responsibility for socializing children. This involves not only the social dos and don’ts but also their ethical and moral development.
All children are guided by someone. If you as their parents are not their primary guides, then other influences and individuals assume that role—school, media, the culture, other adults, or peers who are getting their guidance from someone else. Ask yourself this question: Are my children receiving positive and loving guidance? Loving guidance always has a child’s best interests in mind. Its purpose is not to make parents and other adults look good; its purpose is to help the child develop the qualities that will serve him well in the future. The fourth type of affirming words offers your child guidance for the future. It’s a powerful element of the second love language.
Too often parents give the right message but in the wrong manner. They tell their children to stay away from drinking, but their harsh and cruel manner may in fact drive the children to alcohol. Words of guidance must be given in a positive way. A positive message delivered in a negative manner will always reap negative results. As one child said, “My parents are yelling and screaming at me, telling me not to yell and scream. They expect me to do something they have not learned to do. It’s unfair.”
One child said, “My parents are yelling and screaming at me, telling me not to yell and scream.”
Another difficulty is that many parents view parental guidance as an exercise in prohibition. “Don’t lie.” “Don’t hit your sister.” “Don’t cross the street.” “Don’t eat too much candy.” Then, later: “Don’t drink and drive.” “Don’t get pregnant.” “Don’t smoke.” “Don’t experiment with drugs.” “Don’t go to that concert.” These are all good warnings but hardly enough direction to build a meaningful life. To be sure, prohibition is part of parental guidance, but it should never be the predominant element. In the biblical account of the Garden of Eden, God gave Adam and Eve only one negative; all other guidance was positive. He gave them meaningful work to fill their lives with productive activity. Much later, when the children of Israel came to Sinai, they were given the Ten Commandments, five of which are positive and five negative. In Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, His guidance is overwhelmingly positive.
The negative is necessary, but only as a part of the guidance we give our children. The supreme law is the law of love, and it is loving, positive guidance that our children so desperately need. If we can guide them into positive, meaningful pursuits, they are less likely to fall prey to the perils we want them to avoid.
Many parents view parental guidance as an exercise in prohibition.
Parents who offer words of loving guidance will be looking closely at the interests and abilities of their children and giving positive verbal reinforcement of those interests. From academic pursuits to simple rules of etiquette to the complex art of personal relationships, parents need to be expressing emotional love in the positive verbal guidance they give their children.
When your son or daughter is a teen, rather than condemning your child’s friends who are making poor choices, it is far better to take a loving approach that expresses concern for them. You might show your child accounts of accidents and deaths that involve drugs and alcohol and share how painful it is for you to think about such devastation in the lives of these young people and their families. When your child hears your loving expressions of concern for other young people, he is far more likely to identify with you than when he hears you condemning people who do such things.
When Your Child’s Primary Love Language Is Words of Affirmation
The words “I love you” should always stand alone in reality or by implication. To say, “I love you … will you please do this for me?” dilutes the theme of love. To say, “I love you, but I’ll tell you right now …” cancels itself out. The words “I love you” should never be diluted with conditional statements. This is true for all children, but especially for those whose primary love language is words.
To his parents, ten-year-old Cole seemed very lethargic. They had tried all sorts of things to help him be more interested in life—from sports to a dog—and they were at their wits’ end. They often complained to Cole about his attitude, telling him that he should be thankful to have parents who cared about him and also that he needed to find an interest he could develop. They even threatened to take him to a counselor if he didn’t get more excited about life.
After Steve and Jen attended a seminar about the love languages, they wondered immediately if Cole’s primary love language might be words of affirmation. They realized that this was the one thing they had not given him. Instead, they had showered him with gifts, hugged him daily, and provided quality time and acts of service. But their actual words to their son sent another message—one of criticism.
So they developed a plan. Jen and Steve began to make a conscious effort to give Cole words of affirmation, starting with comments about what they liked about him. As they prepared for this experiment, they decided that for one month they would concentrate on making their words communicate the message, “We care about you, we love you, we like you.”
Cole was a physically attractive child, and so they would begin by commenting on his appearance. They would not tie their words of affirmation to a suggestion such as, “You’re strong—you should be playing football.” Rather they would talk about his athletic build and leave it at that. They also began to watch for things in Cole’s behavior that pleased them and then made positive statements. If he fed their dog Lucy, they expressed appreciation rather than saying, “It’s about time.” When they had to give guidance, they would try to keep it positive.
Parenting is not just a matter of doing what comes naturally.
A month later Steve and Jen reported, “We can’t believe the change in Cole. He’s a different kid … maybe because we’re different parents. His attitude toward life is much more positive. He’s sharing jokes with us and laughing. He is feeding Lucy and was recently out playing football with some kids. We think we’re on the right track.”
Steve and Jen’s discovery changed them as well as Cole. They learned that parenting is not just a matter of doing what comes naturally. Because every child is different, it is essential to communicate love to that child in his or her primary language. Jen and Steve’s story shows that it is possible to use a child’s love language wrongly, bringing hurt and frustration to the child. Cole’s language was words of affirmation—and they were giving him words of condemnation. Such words are harmful to any child, but they are extremely destructive to a child whose primary language is words of affirmation.
If you think this is your child’s language, and yet you have a hard time saying affirming things, we suggest that you keep a notebook titled “Words of Affirmation.” When you hear other parents giving affirmation to their children, write their statements in your notebook. When you read an article on childrearing, record the positive words you find. Look for books on parent-child relationships and record all the words of affirmation you discover. Then practice saying those words in front of a mirror. The more often you say them, the more they will become your own. Then consciously look for opportunities to say these affirming things to your child, at least three times a day.
If you find that you fall back into old patterns of condemnation or negativism, tell your child that you are sorry, that you realize the words are hurtful, and this is not how you feel about him. Ask him to forgive you. Tell him that you are trying to become a better parent and that you love him very deeply and want to communicate that love more effectively. In due time, you will be able to break the old habits and establish new patterns. The best reward of all is that you will see the effect on the face of your child, especially in his eyes, and you will feel it in your heart. And the chances are good that you will begin to receive words of affirmation from him; the more he feels loved by you, the more he is likely to reciprocate.
What the Children Say
The following four children share words of affirmation as their primary love language.
Melissa, eight, said, “I love my mother because she loves me. Every day she tells me that she loves me. I think my father does too, but he never tells me so.”
Taylor, age twelve, broke her arm this year. “I know that my parents love me because while I was having such a hard time keeping up with my schoolwork, they encouraged me. They never forced me to do homework when I wasn’t feeling well, but told me I could do it later. They said how proud they were that I was trying so hard and that they knew I would be able to keep up.”
David is an active, outspoken five-year-old, confident that his parents love him. “My mommy loves me and my daddy loves me. Every day they say, ‘I love you.’”
John, ten, has been in foster homes since he was three. For the past eight months he has lived with Doug and Betsy, his fourth set of foster parents. When he was asked if they genuinely loved him, he said they did. We asked why he said that so quickly. “Because they don’t yell and scream at me. My last foster parents yelled and screamed all the time. They treated me like trash. Doug and Betsy treat me like a person. I know I have lots of problems, but I also know that they love me.”
For children whose primary love language is words of affirmation, nothing is more important to their sense of being loved than to hear parents and other adults verbally affirm them. But the reverse is also true—words of condemnation will hurt them very deeply. Harsh and critical words are detrimental to all children, but to those whose primary language is words of affirmation, such negative words are devastating. And they can play those words in their minds for many years.
Thus, it is essential for parents and other significant adults in the child’s life to quickly apologize for negative, critical, or harsh remarks. While the words can’t be erased by an apology, their effect can be minimized. If you realize that you have a negative communication pattern with your child, you might encourage your spouse to record some of your episodes so that you can hear yourself. This can be very sobering, but it can also be a step in breaking negative patterns of speaking. Because positive communication is so important to every successful parent-child relationship, it is worth the effort to break old patterns and establish new ones. The benefit to your child will be enormous, and the sense of satisfaction you gain will be very rewarding.
IF YOUR CHILD’ S LOVE LANGUAGE IS
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION …
Here are a few more ideas especially for parents. Pick and choose among them to try something new you think your child will appreciate.
• Put a Post-it note in their lunch box with some encouraging words.
• Make a habit of mentioning something specific you’ve observed that highlights your child’s accomplishments. Examples include: “I really appreciated how you showed kindness to that other child,” or “I liked the positive attitude you had during the game.”
• Ask what your child wants to do or be when they grow up. Then encourage them in ways that help them pursue these dreams. If your daughter says, “I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up,” say things like, “I think you’d be a good vet.”
• Send your older child a text message telling them how much they mean to you. Even better, make this a habit for when you have to go out of town or on a special holiday such as a birthday.
• If you are artistic, create a painting or drawing that shows how much you love your child.
• Take a picture or other creation your child has made and frame it with a note of why it means so much to you.
• Call your child at home whenever you think of them just to say, “I love you.”
• Create a special name of affection for your child that is only used between the two of you.
• When you have to be out of town for work or other reasons, leave a series of short notes for your child, one for each day you are apart.
• Make it a habit to say, “I love you” whenever you tuck in your child or leave one another.
• Place their artwork in areas they recognize as important to you such as the refrigerator, the office, or special scrapbook.
• When your child is feeling down, share five reasons why you are proud of them.
• Leave a note on a cereal box, bathroom mirror, or other place you know your child will look. A simple “Daddy loves you,” or “Mommy loves you,” in a unique location can be very powerful.
• Get a picture key chain and put photos of your children in it. Talk about the photos with family or friends when your children are present.
• Create an encouragement jar that you and your child can use to drop in notes of praise and read together on a regular basis.
• Draw a large picture or words of encouragement using sidewalk chalk on your driveway, either together or as a surprise for them to see later.
• When a child makes a mistake trying to do something helpful, first use words to recognize that you knew of their good intentions.
T HE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES OF CHILDREN
physical touch
words of affirmation
quality time
gifts
acts of service
quality time
Four-year-old Ella is pulling on her mother’s leg. “Mommy, Mommy, let’s go play!”
“I can’t play right now,” Kate says. “I have to finish paying bills. I’ll play with you after that. Go play by yourself for a few minutes and then we’ll do something together.”
In five minutes, Ella is back, begging to play. Kate responds, “Ellie, I told you that I have to do this one important thing first. Now run along and I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Ella leaves the room but in four minutes she is back. Eventually the bills are paid and the two have their playtime together. But Kate knows that the scenario will be repeated tomorrow.
What can we learn from Kate and Ella? The chances are good that little Ellie is revealing her primary love language— quality time. What really makes her feel loved is her mother’s undivided attention. This is so important to her that she returns again and again. But Kate often sees these repeated requests as intrusions. If they persist long enough, she may even “lose it” with her daughter and send her to her room for an isolated time-out—just the opposite of what Ella needs.
What’s the answer? Kate wonders. Is it possible to love a child and still get my own work done? The answer is a resounding yes. Learning a child’s primary love language is one key to reaching that objective. If Kate had given Ella fifteen minutes of quality time before she started paying bills, she probably could have done her work in peace. When a child’s love tank is empty and attention is the only thing that will fill it, that child will go to almost any length to get what she needs.
Even negative attention seems better than no attention to the child.
Even if your child’s primary love language is not quality time, many children crave the undivided attention of parents. Indeed, much childhood misbehavior is an attempt to get more time with Mom or Dad. Even negative attention seems better than no attention to the child.
For years we have heard people talking about the need to give children “quality time,” especially amidst the busyness of today’s culture. And yet, while more people are talking about quality time, many children are starving for it.
Quality time is focused, undivided attention. Most infants receive plenty of quality time—feeding and changing alone offer that kind of attention, not only from mothers but fathers and perhaps extended family as well.
As a child grows, the giving of quality time becomes more difficult, because it requires real sacrifice on the part of parents. It’s easier to give physical touch and words of affirmation than quality time. Few of us have enough hours in the day to get everything done as it is; giving a child quality time may mean that we have to give up something else. As children grow toward adolescence, they often need our attention just when we parents are exhausted, rushed, or emotionally out of sorts.
Quality time is a parent’s gift of presence to a child. It conveys this message: “You are important. I like being with you.” It makes the child feel that he is the most important person in the world to the parent. He feels truly loved because he has his parent all to himself.
When you spend quality time with children, you need to go to their physical/emotional level of development. When they are learning to crawl, for instance, you can sit on the floor with them. As they take their first steps, you should be nearby, urging them on. As they progress to sandboxes and learning to throw and kick a ball, you are there. When their world widens to include school, lessons of various sorts, sports, church, and community activities, you are all the while keeping up with them. The older a child is, the harder this may be, especially as you try to make private time for each child while staying involved in their more public activities.
“He Does Things with Me”
The most important factor in quality time is not the event itself but that you are doing something together, being together. When seven-year-old Nathan was asked how he knew his father loved him, he said, “Because he does things with me. Things like shooting baskets and playing games on the computer. And going to the pet store together.”
Quality time does not require that you go somewhere special. You can provide focused attention almost anywhere, and your most nurturing quality times will often be at home, when you are alone with a child. Finding time to be alone with each child is not easy, and yet it is essential. In a society where people are increasingly spectators rather than participants, focused attention from parents is all the more critical.
In many homes, children would miss their computers and other electronic toys more than they would miss their fathers. Children are more and more influenced by forces outside the family and they need the strengthening influence of personal time with their parents. It takes real effort to carve out this kind of time in your schedule, and yet making the effort is rather like an investment in the future—of your children and your family.
If you have several children, you need to look for times when you can be alone with each one. This isn’t easy, but it can be done. Consider Susanna Wesley, who raised ten children in eighteenth-century England. She scheduled an hour a week with each one alone. Her three sons, Sam, John, and Charles Wesley, became poets, writers, and preachers; Charles penned thousands of hymns, many of which remain classics in the Christian church. In addition to helping her children learn the alphabet, writing, and math, she taught them politeness and good manners, moral values, and frugal living.
In an era when women had little opportunity to advance, she prepared her daughters with a full education. The wise mother once told her daughter Emilia, “Society offers no opportunity for the intelligence of its women.”1 Emilia later became a teacher. While we don’t necessarily advocate all of her ideas about raising children, we can admire the way Susanna set her priorities and then carried them through. The key to quality time is found in the values and priorities you as parents determine to cherish and implement in your home.
Positive Eye Contact
Quality time should include loving eye contact. Looking in your child’s eyes with care is a powerful way to convey love from your heart to the heart of your child. Studies have shown that most parents use eye contact in primarily negative ways, either while reprimanding a child or giving very explicit instructions.
If you give loving looks only when your child is pleasing you, you are falling into the trap of conditional love. That can damage your child’s personal growth. You want to give enough unconditional love to keep your child’s emotional tank full, and a key way to do this is through proper use of eye contact.
Sometimes family members refuse to look at one another as a means of punishment. This is destructive to both adults and children. Kids especially interpret withdrawal of eye contact as disapproval, and this further erodes their self-esteem. Don’t let your demonstration of love to a child be controlled by whether the child is pleasing you at the moment.
Sharing Thoughts and Feelings
Quality time not only means doing things together, but it is a means for knowing your child better. As you spend time with your children, you will find that a natural result often is good conversation about everything related to your lives. Phil Briggs, longtime professor of education at a California seminary, loves the dividends of golfing with his son. “My son wasn’t much of a talker until we started golfing together regularly.” The Briggs’ father-son twosome often talk about their game—the swing and other golf nuances—as they walk the fairways, but soon they get around to discussing other areas of life. When a parent shows a child how to throw a football or make pasta, he or she often creates an environment in which the parent and child can talk about more important issues.
Quality Conversations
This is when a father can reveal something of his own history, perhaps tell his child of his dating relationship with the boy’s mother, and discuss moral and spiritual issues. This kind of “real” conversation communicates deeply to a child on an emotional level. It says, “My father trusts me. He cares. My father sees me as an important person and he loves me.” A mother can mention her own fears about her appearance growing up as she helps her daughter shop for her first pair of glasses or a special dress for the prom. The conversation draws them together and helps the daughter understand that her value is not based on appearance.
Children never outgrow a need for quality conversation with parents and other adults. Such sharing of thoughts and feelings is the fabric of which life is made. Learning how to communicate on this level will serve them well in their own future relationships, including marriage. It will teach them how to build friendships and relate to work associates. It will show them how to process their own thoughts and to communicate in a positive, caring manner that respects the ideas of others. It will provide an example of how to disagree without being disagreeable.
Children never outgrow a need for quality conversation with parents and other adults.
Because your children will learn more from talking with you than you will probably ever realize, it is crucial that you spend time in healthy conversation with them, no matter what their age. If you limit your talking with them to correction, your children may never learn the value of positive, focused attention. Negative attention alone cannot meet their need for love. With younger children, one of the most effective times to initiate conversation is at bedtime, when they are especially attentive. This may be because there are fewer distractions then or because the children want to delay going to bed. Whatever the reason, they are listening well and this makes meaningful conversation much easier.
“Read Me a Story”
All children love stories. Reading to them is a great way to begin your bedtime ritual—and do make it a ritual, because this will help to keep communications open when they become teenagers. During or after a story, you can pause to let a child identify his feelings about the events or characters and then talk about them. As you are reading a story about someone who experiences disappointment, for example, you may talk with your child about feelings of disappointment she has had, along with the accompanying sadness, anger, or whatever is appropriate.
We strongly recommend these times of conversation. Sadly, many young people today do not understand how to handle their feelings, especially anger. Many years of warm and close bedtime talks, which include gentle, relaxed sharing of feelings, can help prevent some of life’s deepest problems down the road.
Bedtime rituals that are warm and close, gentle and relaxed, sound just the opposite of the busy world in which many parents live. Don’t be a victim of the urgent. In the long run, much of what seems so pressing right now won’t even matter. What you do with your children will matter forever.
Planning for Quality Time
During the first eight years of a child’s life, you can assume a fairly sane schedule, as the child’s life centers primarily around the home. But as your child grows and becomes more involved in activities outside the home, you need to spend more time and effort preparing for family quality time. Otherwise it just won’t happen. Here are several ideas.
First, mealtimes are natural events around which to plan. Over the years, a regular family dinner hour together can be one of the most bonding experiences that you will have. We all hear about families that just set out a pot of food and let everyone eat whenever they arrive home. To those who know the warmth and strength of a regular dinnertime together, year after year, this sounds chaotic. Parents are the only ones who can set the schedule for the family and decide when and if certain events will interrupt that schedule. Some families are able to have breakfast together. And, you may be able to meet a child for lunch once a month.
Second, consider overnight trips. Burney and his son, Jeff, do an overnighter every three months. They usually travel only an hour from home and camp out in their tent for a day and a half of uninterrupted time together. Allyson takes a walk two nights a week with her twelve-year-old daughter, Brittany. On those nights, her husband and son do the dishes and get some father/son time.
Third, simply riding along in the car as Mom or Dad runs errands or drives to a soccer game can result in quality conversation. There is something about sitting in a car that seems to bring out the desire to talk—and listen. Parents should be alert for those times when children seem to need to talk.
Those are just a few ideas. Remember, planning for your times together need not stifle spontaneity. You can always change your plans if you want to, but without making plans, you may find that you have little quality time with your children. You schedule other people into your calendars—why not your children? They will appreciate the fact that you value your time with them so much that you are willing to say no to other activities. And one by-product of planning is that you teach your children how to schedule their own time.
One of the most difficult times in a family’s day can be when everyone returns from work and school, hungry and tired. So planning for time together also means preparing yourself. If you come home from a pressured workday, you need to release the stress of the day, clear your mind of things at work, and then focus on your home. Some people do this by playing their favorite music on the way home. Some friends we know stop the car near home and take a few minutes to pray. Find what will help you to feel relaxed and upbeat, so that you have the energy you need to give to your child.
If you cannot prepare yourself prior to arriving home, you and your spouse can work out a time for you to have to yourself, before you begin interacting with your children. You may need simply to change into comfortable clothes, open a Coke, and stroll in the backyard before settling in with the family. The more refreshed you are, the more you will be able to give to your family.
When Your Child’s Primary Love Language Is Quality Time
If quality time is your child’s primary love language, you can be sure of this: Without a sufficient supply of quality time and focused attention, your child will experience a gnawing uneasiness that his parents do not really love him.
Gerry was a firefighter who worked forty-eight hours on and twenty-four hours off. During his “on days” he stayed at the firehouse; when he was off, he and a fellow fireman often painted houses to make extra money. Meanwhile, his wife, Maggie, worked nights as a nurse and slept days. When both were working nights, their children, Jonathan, age eight, and Grace, six, had their grandmother stay with them.
Gerry and Maggie became concerned about Jonathan, who over time seemed remote. Maggie later told a friend, “When we try to talk to him, he’s very withdrawn-seeming. But when he was younger he talked all the time.
“Before he started school and I was still home all the time, he and I would go to the park almost every afternoon. Now he’s so different that it makes me wonder if something’s wrong. Gerry doesn’t notice it as much as I do, because he hasn’t spent as much time with Jonathan, but I can see a big difference.”
Maggie’s friend Rosie had just been reading The 5 Love Languages and remembered the one chapter on how the love languages relate to children. So Rosie gave Maggie a copy and suggested that it might help her with Jonathan. Two weeks later Maggie told her friend, “I read the book and I think I know Jonathan’s primary love language. Looking back and remembering how much he enjoyed our times together, and how talkative and excited he was, and then realizing that all that changed when he started school and I began work, I think the last two years he may have been almost starved for love. I’ve been meeting his physical needs, but haven’t been meeting his emotional needs very well.”
The two women talked about how Maggie could work quality time with Jonathan into her schedule. Because her flexible time was afternoons and early evenings, she had been using that time for housework, shopping, an occasional night out with the girls, and a rare night out with Gerry. She also supervised Jonathan’s homework. Maggie decided that if she tried, she could carve out an hour twice a week to spend concentrated time with Jonathan.
Three weeks later, Maggie told her friend, “It’s working. Jonathan and I have had our hour twice a week since we last talked, and I’m seeing real change in his response to me. We decided to take our dog to the park one afternoon a week and out for tacos the other. Jonathan is beginning to talk more, and I can tell that he’s responding emotionally to our time together.”
“By the way, I’ve asked Gerry to read the book,” Maggie added. “I think we need to learn to speak each other’s love language. I know he’s not speaking mine, and I don’t think I’m speaking his either. Also, Gerry might see the importance of spending more time with Jonathan.”
What the Children Say
Here is how four children clearly reveal their primary love language to be quality time.
Eight-year-old Bethany has a twinkle in her eye most of the time. “I know my folks love me because they do things with me. Sometimes we all do stuff together, even with my little brother, but both of them do things just with me.” When asked what sorts of things, she responded, “My daddy took me fishing last week. I don’t know if I like fishing, but I like being with Daddy. Mom and I went to the zoo the day after my birthday. My favorite place was the monkey house. We watched one eat a banana. It was fun.”
Jared is twelve. “I know my dad loves me because he spends time with me. We do lots of things together. He has season tickets to the Wake Forest football games and we never miss a game. I know my mom loves me too, but we don’t spend much time together because she often doesn’t feel well.”
Ten-year-old Brandon said, “My mom loves me. She comes to my soccer games and we go out to eat afterward. I don’t know if my dad loves me. He said he did, but he left us. I don’t ever see him.”
Haley, sixteen, said, “How do I know my parents love me? Mainly because they are always there for me. I can discuss anything with them. I know that they will be understanding and try to help me make good decisions. I’m going to miss them when I go to college in a couple of years, but I know they’ll still be there for me.”
For those children who crave time with their parents, and for all the others as well, a parent’s gift of focused attention is an essential element in ensuring that they feel loved. When you spend time with your children, you are creating memories that will last a lifetime. You want your children to be blessed by the memories they carry from the years they spend in your home. They will have healthy and uplifting memories when their emotional tanks are kept full. As parents, you can give such healthy and uplifting memories and help assure your children’s balance, stability, and happiness for the rest of their lives.
IF YOUR CHILD’S LOVE LANGUAGE IS
QUALITY TIME …
Here are a few more ideas especially for parents. Pick and choose among them to try something new you think your child will appreciate.
• Instead of waiting until all your chores are done before spending time with your child, include them in your daily activities such as laundry, grocery shopping, or yardwork. Though it may take longer, the time together will make up for the inconvenience.
• Stop what you are doing to make eye contact with your child as they tell you something important.
• Fix a healthy snack together, such as a plate of cut-up fruit.
• Find silly things to laugh about and laugh a lot about them.
• Give older children single-use cameras to record meaningful occasions.
• Turn off your television show to watch your child’s favorite show with them.
• Go to the toy store and play with some fun toys with no intention of buying anything.
• Ask very specific questions about your child’s day that do not have a yes or no answer.
• When taking your younger children to a park or playground, spend the time actually playing with them instead of watching from the park bench. Pushing your daughter on the swing or riding the slide with your son creates lifelong memories and communicates love.
• Instead of screen time, focus on arts such as singing together or fingerpainting.
• Schedule a specific “date time” with each of your children individually. Put it in your calendar and don’t allow other priorities to take its place.
• Surprise your child with tickets or a trip to a special place. A camping trip, big-league baseball game, or day in the city can build lifelong memories. Add pictures of the event to further strengthen this surprise.
• If possible, take your child to your workplace one day. Introduce your child to your coworkers and take your child to lunch with you.
• Set aside a special place in the house where you go to play. A walk-in closet can serve as a “castle,” while a place in the garage can serve as your “workshop.”
• Involve older children in vacation planning, researching the Internet together.
• Have a campout together, even if it is simply a tent in your yard. Include flashlights and special camp foods to make the event complete.
• Occasionally take family walks or bike rides together. Seek opportunities to spend time together that also include exercise.
• Share more meals together as a family. Make dinnertime a special occasion with lots of talk about the day. Family prayer can also strengthen this time.
• Spend a few extra minutes putting your child to bed at night. Bedtime stories, talking about the day, or praying together at night can each be part of your everyday pattern.
• For older children, spend time doing “homework” together—they with their schoolwork and you with any work projects. Tell them what you’re working on.
• Plant something together. For those with outdoor-oriented children, time together in a flower garden, planting summer vegetables, or landscaping the yard can create lifelong positive memories.
• Make photo albums together on your computer. Talk together about the memories you shared in the process.
• On a rainy day, sit in the same room and read quietly, each of you with your own book or magazine.
T HE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES OF CHILDREN
physical touch
words of affirmation
quality time
gifts
acts of service
gifts
When we asked ten-year-old Rachel why she was so sure that her parents loved her, she said, “Come to my room and I’ll show you.” Once in her room, she pointed to a large teddy bear. “They brought me this from California.” And then touching a fluffy stuffed clown, she said, “They bought me this when I went to first grade. And this silly monkey was from their trip to Hawaii for their anniversary.” She continued around the room, pointing out more than a dozen gifts she had received from her parents over the past few years. All of them were in a special place, displaying her parents’ love.
The giving and receiving of gifts can be a powerful expression of love, at the time they are given and often extending into later years. The most meaningful gifts become symbols of love, and those that truly convey love are part of a love language. Yet for parents to truly speak love language number four—gifts—the child must feel that his parents genuinely care. For this reason, the other love languages must be given along with a gift. The child’s emotional love tank needs to be kept filled in order for the gift to express heartfelt love. This means that parents will use a combination of physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, and service to keep the love tank full.
Julie told how the love languages were helping her to better understand her two daughters—Mallory, six, and Meredith, eight. “My husband and I often go on business trips and the girls stay with their grandmother. While we are away, I buy something for the girls. Meredith is always much more excited about the gifts than Mallory is, talking about them as soon as we get home. She jumps up and down in excitement as we take out the presents and oohs and aahs as she opens her gift. Then she finds a special nook in her room for it and wants us to see where she put it. When her friends come over, she always shows them her latest gift.”
In contrast, while Mallory is polite and appreciates the gifts from her parents, she is more excited to learn about the trip. Mallory “comes to us to hear every detail of our trip,” Julie reported. “She talks with us separately and then together, and seems to drink up everything we tell her. Meredith, on the other hand, asks few questions about where we have been and what we have seen.”
When someone asked Julie what she was going to do with her insight, she said, “Well, I’m going to keep on buying gifts for the girls, because I want to. But now I don’t feel hurt when Mallory doesn’t act as excited as Meredith. It used to bother me because I thought Mallory wasn’t being appreciative. Now I understand that our conversation means to Mallory what the gift means to Meredith. Both my husband and I are making more effort to give Mallory more quality time after a trip and all the rest of the year as well. And we want to teach Mallory the language of gifts just as we hope to teach Meredith to speak the language of quality time.
The Grace of Giving
Giving and receiving gifts as a way to express love is a universal phenomenon. The English word gift comes from the Greek word charis , which means “grace, or an undeserved gift.” The idea behind this is that if the gift is deserved, then it is payment. A true gift is not payment for services rendered; rather, it is an expression of love for the individual and is freely given by the donor. In our society, not all giving is so sincere. Especially in the business world, much of it is payback for doing business with a certain company, or a bribe in hope that someone will do business in the future. The item is not given simply for the benefit of the receiver, but is more a way of saying thank you for making a financial contribution or a request for a further contribution.
The same distinction needs to be made in parental giving to children. When a parent offers a gift if the child will clean his room, this is not a true gift but a payment for services rendered. When a parent promises an ice cream cone to a child if he will watch TV for the next half hour, the cone is not a gift but a bribe designed to manipulate the child’s behavior. While the child may not know the words payback or bribe, he understands the concept.
At times parents who have every intention of offering a true gift may be sending confused messages if they ignore the child’s deep emotional need for love. In fact, a child who doesn’t feel truly loved can easily misinterpret a gift, thinking it is conditionally given. One mother, under great stress and at odds with her son, gave him a new baseball. Later, she found it in the toilet.
“Jason, what’s your ball doing here? Don’t you like it?”
“Sorry,” was Jason’s only reply.
The next day she found the ball in the garbage can. Again she talked with him, and he just looked down and said, “I’m sorry.”
Later Mom learned to concentrate on keeping Jason’s emotional tank full, especially at bedtime. Soon she began to notice a change. In a few weeks, she gave him a baseball bat, and this time he hugged her and said with a smile, “Thanks, Mom!”
Jason is typical of compliant children who have empty emotional tanks. These children seldom show their pain and their needs openly, but display their feelings in indirect ways. The disposing or ignoring of gifts is a classic example of this type of child needing a fill-up.
Make the Most of Giving
The grace of giving has little to do with the size and cost of the gift. It has everything to do with love. Maybe you remember a grandparent who told you about receiving an orange plus a necessary item of clothing on one harsh Christmas during the Depression. Today we parents don’t always think of necessities as gifts but as items we must supply for our children. And yet, we often give these items with loving hearts for the sincere benefit of our children. Let’s celebrate such gifts. If we do not present gifts as expressions of love, children may learn to receive them as “what is to be expected” and not recognize the love behind the gifts.
If we do not present gifts as expressions of love, children may learn to receive them as “what is to be expected.”
Here’s a suggestion to help a common gift become an expression of love. Take time to wrap up the new school clothes and then present them when the family is gathered around the dinner table. Unwrapping a present provides an emotional thrill for a child, and you can demonstrate that every gift, whether a necessity or a luxury, is an expression of your love. Such celebration of all kinds of gifts will also teach your children how to respond to others who give them presents. As you give to them with grace, you want them to respond with grace, whether a gift is large or small.
One warning in buying your children toys as gifts. In the toy department, you need real wisdom. The sheer volume of items available means that you must be very selective. This volume is compounded by television ads that parade the latest toys before the eyes of children, thus creating desires that did not exist sixty seconds before and may be gone by the next day. But in the meantime, many children are sure they must have the toy they just saw on the screen.
Do not let advertisers determine what you buy for your children. Examine toys closely, asking yourself questions such as, “What message does this toy communicate to my child? Is it a message with which I am comfortable? What might my child learn from playing with this toy? Will its overall effect tend to be positive or negative? How durable is the toy? What is its normal life span? Does it have limited appeal or will my child turn to it again and again? Is this a toy we can afford?” Never buy a nonessential toy if you can’t afford it.
Never buy a nonessential toy if you can’t afford it.
Not every toy needs to be educational, but they should all serve some positive purpose in the life of your children. Beware of buying high-tech computerized toys that may expose your children to value systems far removed from those of your family. They will get enough of this on television, from the neighbors, and from friends at school.
When Giving Is Abused
Be careful. It’s often tempting to shower children with gifts as substitutes for the other love languages. For many reasons, parents sometimes resort to presents rather than being truly present to their children. For some who grew up in unhealthy families, a gift seems easier to give than emotional involvement. Others may not have the time, patience, or knowledge to know how to give their children what they genuinely need. They truly love their children, but seem unaware of how to provide the emotional security and sense of self-worth that they need.
Abuse of gift-giving can occur when a child is living with a custodial parent following a separation or divorce. The noncustodial parent is often tempted to shower a child with gifts, perhaps from the pain of separation or feelings of guilt over leaving the family. When these gifts are overly expensive, ill-chosen, and used as a comparison with what the custodial parent can provide, they are really a form of bribery, an attempt to buy the child’s love. They may also be a subconscious way of getting back at the custodial parent.
Children receiving such ill-advised gifts may eventually see them for what they are, but in the meantime they are learning that at least one parent regards gifts as a substitute for genuine love. This can make children materialistic and manipulative, as they learn to manage people’s feelings and behavior by the improper use of gifts. This kind of substitution can have tragic consequences for the children’s character and integrity.
We think of Susan, who is raising three children alone. Susan had been divorced for three years from Charles, who now lives with his second wife in a luxurious lifestyle. Susan and the children were just getting by financially, and the children were eager to visit Dad. Lisa, Charley, and Annie, ages fifteen, twelve, and ten, saw their dad two weekends a month. On these visits he would take them on expensive outings such as skiing and boating. No wonder they wanted to visit—that’s where the fun was—and they increasingly complained about being bored at home. They often returned with lavish gifts, and they displayed increasing amounts of anger at Susan, especially for the few days following a visit with their father. Charles was turning their feelings against Susan, as he tried to earn affection for himself. He didn’t realize that as the children grew older, they would come to despise him for manipulating them.
Fortunately, Susan was able to persuade Charles to receive counseling with her and to seek healthy ways to handle their children. Initially, this meant setting aside past differences and anger so that they could work together to meet the emotional needs of their children. During the counseling, they both became expert love tank filler-uppers. When Charles used all five love languages to relate to his children, and learned to use gift-giving as a love language instead of a manipulating device, the children responded beautifully. While it is still uncommon for divorced people to work together in this way for the good of their children, more parents are attempting to do so.
Other parents (and grandparents) may choose to shower their kids with so many presents that their rooms look like disorganized toy stores. With such excess, the gifts lose their specialness; the child has more toys than he can possibly experience. Eventually none of the gifts has any meaning, and the child becomes emotionally dead to receiving gifts. The toys seem a burden to him, because his parents expect him to keep the toys in some semblance of order.
Lavishing too many gifts is like taking a child into the toy department and saying, “All of this belongs to you.” The child may be excited at first, but after a while is running in all directions and playing with nothing.
Parents and grandparents may need to give less rather than more, carefully choosing gifts that will be meaningful.
Appropriate toys should help a child learn how to focus his attention with enjoyment. For this to happen, parents and grandparents may need to give less rather than more, carefully choosing gifts that will be meaningful rather than impressive.
Guidelines for Giving
As you give to your children, you need to keep some guidelines in mind. Gifts should be genuine expressions of love. If they are payment for services rendered, or bribery, you should not call them gifts but should acknowledge them for what they are. This way, the true gifts selected for the benefit of your children and as an expression of love can be enjoyed for what they are.
Except for Christmas and birthdays, many gifts should be chosen by both you and your children. This is particularly true as your children grow and have more opinions about their clothes, shoes, backpacks, etc. Your children also have desires about their nonessential toys, and while you can’t give them everything they want, you will want to consider their preferences. This involves discerning whether the desire is momentary or lasting, healthy or unhealthy, and whether the toy will have a positive or negative effect. Whenever you can, it is wise to select a gift that a child truly wants.
And remember, not all gifts come from a store. You may find a special gift as you walk down a winding road or even across a parking lot. Wildflowers, unusual stones, even driftwood can qualify as gifts when wrapped or presented in a creative manner. Gifts can also be made out of household items. Young children have no concept of money, and whether a gift is made or purchased is of little consequence. If the present stimulates their creativity, it can be meaningful and can bind you more closely to your children in love.
Amy’s Ring
Earlier we said that some children who do not respond with great enthusiasm when they receive a gift may in later years come to value it much more. Ted found that out years after his daughter rejected his present. While traveling abroad, Ted bought a ring for his twelve-year-old daughter Amy and gave it to her when he returned home. She showed little interest in it and put it away in a dresser drawer.
Ted was disappointed but eventually forgot about the ring. In her teen years, Amy gave her parents great amounts of grief with her adolescent behavior, to the point that Ted despaired about her future. Even when Amy made a dramatic recovery in her attitudes and behavior, her father was still not convinced that she was all right. He questioned her sincerity and this made it very difficult for either of them to move toward the close relationship they craved.
Then one day Ted noticed that Amy was wearing the ring he had given her so long ago, before her problems began. Tears came to his eyes as he realized what his daughter was trying to tell him—that she was in control of herself and could now be trusted.
When Ted asked Amy if this is what she meant, she acknowledged that was all she wanted—to be trusted as she developed and changed. The two cried together. Amy continues to do well.
This story shows how symbolically important a gift can be. Amy probably would have never had the deep problems she experienced if her caring parents had been able to keep her emotional tank full. Her emotional needs had to be met before she had the capacity to receive or appreciate a gift in the same spirit in which it was given.
When Your Child’s Primary Love Language Is Receiving Gifts
Most children respond positively to gifts, but for some, receiving gifts is their primary love language. You might be inclined to think that this is so for all children, judging from the way they beg for things. It is true that all children—and adults—want to have more and more. But those whose language of love is receiving gifts will respond differently when they get their gift.
Children whose primary love language is the receiving of gifts will always make much of receiving the gift. They will want the present to be wrapped or at least given in a unique and creative way. This is all part of the love expression. They will look at the paper, maybe talk about the bow. Often they will ooh and aah as they open the gift. It will seem a big deal to them—and it is. They are feeling very special as they open the present, and they want your undivided attention as they do so. Remember, for them this is love’s loudest voice. They see the gift as an extension of you and your love, and they want to share this moment with you. Once they have opened the gift, they will hug you or thank you profusely.
These children will also make a special place in their room for the new gift so that they can display it proudly. They will share it with their friends and will show it to you again and again in the next few days. They will say how much they like it. The gift holds a special place in their hearts because it is in fact an expression of your love. Seeing the gift reminds them that they are loved. It doesn’t matter to them if the gift was made, found, or purchased; whether it was something they had desired or not. What matters is that you thought about them.
What the Children Say
The comments from the following children reveal that, for them, receiving gifts is the language that best communicates love.
Marco, five, was talking to his grandmother after his second day in kindergarten. “My teacher loves me, Nana. Look what she gave me.” He held up a bright blue ruler with large numbers printed across it, the evidence of his teacher’s love.
Elizabeth, six, asked us: “Have you ever met the love man? He is right over there,” she said, pointing to an older gentleman. “He gives all the children gum.” For Elizabeth, he was the love man because he gave gifts.
Courtney, fifteen, was asked how she knew her parents loved her. Without hesitation she pointed to her jeans, top, and shoes. Then she said, “Everything I have, they gave me. In my mind, that’s love. They have given me not only the essentials but far more than I need. In fact, I share things with my friends whose parents can’t afford them.”
Josh, eighteen, was leaving for college in a few weeks. When we asked how strongly he felt loved by his parents, on a zero-to-ten scale, he immediately said, “Ten.” Why ten? “See this car?” he asked, pointing to a red Honda. “My folks gave it to me. I didn’t really deserve it because I didn’t do my best in high school, but they told me they wanted me to know that they were proud of me. This car was an expression of their love. All I have to do is be responsible for changing the oil and doing other maintenance.
“My parents have always been like that. They have given me everything I have ever needed—all my sports equipment in high school, all my clothes, everything. They are the most generous people I know. I have tried not to take advantage of their generosity, but I’m sure that they love me. Now that I’m going off to college, I know that I will miss them.”
For such a child, gifts are more than material objects. They are tangible expressions of love that speak deeply. That is why it is especially traumatic if the gifts are destroyed or misplaced. And, if the parent who gave the gift moves or damages it, or, in a fit of rage says, “I’m sorry I gave that to you,” the child may be emotionally devastated.
Remember, your children may not now realize how much you are giving, even as you continue to fill their emotional tanks. But as they grow older, they may look back and realize that your love and presence has been the best gift of all.
IF YOUR CHILD’S LOVE LANGUAGE IS
GIFTS …
Here are a few more ideas especially for parents. Pick and choose among them to try something new you think your child will appreciate.
• Keep a small collection of inexpensive gifts packed away for your child. Then give them one at a time as you sense there is a need.
• Select presents that fit the interests of your child.
• Carry snacks or small candies you can give out as a “treat” when away from home.
• Make a meal you know your child likes, go to a special restaurant, or make their favorite dessert.
• Start a collection of unique gift boxes and wrapping papers that can be used to package even the most simple of presents.
• When away from home, mail a small package to your child with their name on it.
• Give personally made coupons for your child good for some of their favorites, such as a free spaghetti dinner, an extrahalf hour of time with you before bedtime, or a small gift next time you are shopping together.
• Keep a “gift bag” of small, inexpensive gifts your child can choose from as a reward for doing something positive.
• Make after-school snacks memorable by serving them on a special plate.
• Be on the lookout for personalized gifts with your child’s name on them. Save them for a rainy or difficult day as an encouraging surprise.
• Give your child a “song,” either one you make up or a special song you select that reminds you of them.
• Create a treasure hunt for a gift that includes a map and clues along the way to the main surprise.
• Hide a small gift in your child’s lunchbox.
• If you are away from your child a few days, leave a small package for each day with a special gift and note reminding how much you love them.
• Instead of spending money on a larger gift for a birthday, host a birthday party at a special event location.
• Consider a gift that lasts, such as a tree you can plant together or a computer game you can play together in the future.
• Buy or make your child a special ring or necklace to wear that is just from you.
• For young children, find “nature gifts” such as wildflowers or interesting stones wrapped in a special paper or box.
• For a birthday or Christmas, shop with your child for a special gift—asking her opinion. This personal involvement will make the gift more meaningful.
• Keep a chart and some fun stickers to keep a record of accomplishments. Reward your child with a gift after a set number of stickers are earned.
• Create a “secret drawer” where your child can keep her small “treasures”—anything from a bird feather to a pack of gum.
T HE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES OF CHILDREN
physical touch
words of affirmation
quality time
gifts
acts of service
acts of service
Jacob has just started his first full-time job and is thinking about getting married next summer. He also is remembering his childhood: “I think the thing that made me feel most loved was the way my parents worked so hard to help me with everything. I remember how they’d get up early on Saturdays to take me to my games, or stay up late helping me with a homework project.”
The twenty-four-year-old continues to reminisce. “The little things and big things—they did so much to help me, even though they were both busy. I realize it now more than I did then, but even at the time I knew they were working hard to help me, and I always appreciated it. I hope I can do the same for my children someday.”
Some people speak acts of service as their primary love language. Even if your child does not, know this: Parenting is a service-oriented vocation. The day you found out that you would have a child, you enrolled for full-time service. Your contract called for a minimum of eighteen years of service with an understanding that you would be on “active reserve” for several years after that.
The day you found out that you would have a child, you enrolled for full-time service.
As a parent who must serve, you probably have discovered another truth about this love language: Acts of service are physically and emotionally demanding. Therefore, we parents must give attention to our own physical and emotional health. For physical health, we need balanced patterns of sleeping, eating, and exercising. For emotional health, self-understanding and a mutually supportive marital relationship are crucial.
As we consider acts of service, we must ask ourselves, “Who do I serve?” It is not just your children. If you are married, you serve your spouse, doing things that will please him or her in order to express your love. You want to keep your partner’s love tank full by your acts of service. Because children need a mother and father who give them a balanced model for life, making time for your marital relationship is an essential part of good parenting. If you are a single parent, it is even more important to keep yourself physically and emotionally healthy—see “Speaking the Love Languages in Single-Parent Families” on page 179 for some ideas.
What’s Best?
As parents, we serve our children—but our primary motivation is not to please them. Our chief purpose is to do what is best. What would most please your children at the moment is likely not the best way to express your love. Put three candy bars in your child’s lunch and she will cheer, but you won’t be giving her what’s best. In serving your children, the main motive—doing what’s best—means you are trying to fill their love tanks. And to supply that need for love, you should use your acts of service in conjunction with the other languages of love.
A caution as we explore the final love language: Don’t view acts of service as a way to manipulate your children. This is easy to do, because when they are young, children desire gifts and services more than anything else. But if we parents give in to desires or even demands for too many gifts and too much service, our children can remain childishly self-centered and become selfish. However, this caution should not keep parents from using the language of service and gifts in appropriate ways.
What would most please your children at the moment is likely not the best way to express your love.
Acts of service can become a model for your child’s service and responsibility. You may wonder how your children will develop their own independence and competence if you serve them. But as you express your love by acts of service to your children, doing things they may not yet be able to do for themselves, you are setting a model. This will help them escape their self-centered focus and help others; that’s our ultimate goal as parents (see the section “The Ultimate Purpose of Service”).
What a Child Should Do When
Children with full love tanks are far more likely to pick up on that loving model of service than children who are uncertain of their parents’ love. Such acts of service must be age appropriate. You should do for your children what they cannot do for themselves. Obviously, you are not still feeding them when they are six. Making beds for four-year-olds is an act of service, but eight-year-olds are capable of doing this themselves. Children don’t need to wait until they get to college to learn how to run a washer and dryer—colleges don’t offer courses in this! Parents who are too busy to teach children how to do laundry, or too perfectionistic to let them do it, are not loving those children but crippling them.
Thus, acts of service has an intermediate step. We serve our children, but as they are ready, we teach them how to serve themselves and then others. Of course, that is not always a convenient or quick process. It takes more time to teach a child to prepare a meal than to fix the meal yourself. If your only objective is to get the food on the table, you might as well prepare all the meals. But if your objective is to love your children—looking out for their best interests—you will want to teach them how to cook. But before and during that time, the best motivator for your children is to see your genuine acts of love for the family as you serve them over many years.
We serve our children, but as they are ready, we teach them how to serve themselves and then others.
Remember, too, that some acts of service you will perform for your children come from highly developed skills you have that they may never acquire. We all have different aptitudes, and within a family we can serve one another with our unique abilities. As parents we must be careful not to force children to be replicas of us or, even worse, fulfill the dreams we never accomplished for ourselves. Rather, we want to help them develop their own skills, follow their own interests, and become the best they can be using their endowments from God.
Shootin’ Straight
Some parents, wanting their children to develop their skills and independence, lean too far in the direction of letting their children figure things out for themselves. Will and Kathy from Colorado were like that. They embodied a pioneer spirit of rugged independence and self-reliance and wanted to raise their two boys to be the same way. Western to the core, they seemed as if they had just swung off a stagecoach.
After Will and Kathy attended my (Gary’s) marriage seminar and heard about the five love languages, they concluded that service could not be one of the languages of love. Will told me, “I don’t believe parents should do things for children that they can do for themselves. How are you gonna teach them to be independent if you keep on doing things for them? They’ve got to learn to rope their own steer.”
“Do the boys cook their own meals?” I asked.
“That’s my job. But they do everything else,” Kathy said.
“They cook when they are out on the trail and do a great job,” Will added. These two were obviously proud of their sons.
“As you listened to the love languages, do you have any idea what your boys’ primary love languages might be?”
“Don’t know,” Will said.
“Do you think your boys really feel loved?”
“Suppose so. They should.”
“Do you have the courage to ask them?” I probed.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, get each of them alone and say, ‘Son, I want to ask you a question that I’ve never asked you, but it is important for me to know. Do you feel that I love you? Shoot straight. I really want to know how you feel.’”
Will was silent for a long moment. “That’ll be hard. Don’t know that it’s necessary.”
“It’s not necessary,” I responded, “but you won’t ever know their language if you don’t ask.”
Will went home with my words ringing in his head, “You won’t ever know if you don’t ask.” So he started with his younger son, Buck, out behind the barn when they were alone. He asked the question I had suggested and Buck answered.
“Sure, Dad, I know you love me. You spend time with me. When you go into town, you always take me along. On the trail, you make sure we get some time to talk. I’ve always thought it was pretty special to get to spend so much time with you, as busy as you are.” When Will choked up, Buck asked, “Is something wrong? You ain’t gonna die or something, are ya?”
“Naw, I ain’t gonna die. I just wanted to make sure you know I love you.”
This was such an emotional experience that it took Will a week to work up the courage to talk with seventeen-year-old Jake. One night when they were alone together after supper, he turned to his son and said, “Jake, I want to ask you a question that I’ve never asked before, but it’s important for me to know. It might be hard for you, but I want you to shoot straight, because I really need to know how you feel. Do you really feel that I love you?”
After a long silence, Jake said, “I don’t know how to say this exactly, Pa. I guess I know you love me, but sometimes I don’t feel it. Sometimes I feel that you don’t love me at all.”
“When’s that, Son?”
“When I need you and you don’t help me. Like the time the fire started on the lower forty and I sent word by Buck that I needed your help. He came back and told me that you said you knew I could do it by myself. Buck and I got it out all right, but I kept wondering why you didn’t come. I kept telling myself that it was ’cause you were trying to make me independent, but I kept feeling you didn’t love me.
“That time when I was ten and having a hard time with my math, I asked you to help,” Jake continued. “You told me I could do it myself ’cause I was smart. I knew you knew how to do it, and you could have helped me if you would have just explained it. I felt let down. Or that time the wagon got stuck and I asked you to help me get it out. You said I got it stuck and I could figure out how to get it out. I knew I could get it out, but I wanted you to help me.
“Them’s the times I felt you didn’t care. Like I said, I know you do love me, but I don’t always feel that you do.”
It was enough to make a cowboy cry. “Jake, I’m sorry,” Will said. “I just didn’t know how you felt. I should’ve asked you sooner. I wanted you to be independent and self-reliant—and you are. I’m proud of you, but I want you to know that I love you. The next time you need my help, I’ll be there for you. I hope you give me another chance.” The two men hugged in the quiet kitchen.
Will got his chance about seven months later when a wagon was stuck in the creek. The boys worked more than two hours and couldn’t loosen it. Finally, Jake sent Buck for their dad. Buck couldn’t believe his father’s response when he immediately saddled up and rode back with Buck to the creek. Once the wagon was out, Buck thought it strange that his dad hugged Jake and then told Jake, “Thanks, man. I appreciate it.” The healing that started in the kitchen was consummated at the creek. A tough rancher had learned a tender lesson.
Service or Slavery?
Because service to a child is constant for so many years, and takes place in and around so many other obligations, parents can forget that the daily and mundane acts they perform are expressions of love with long-term effects. At times they can even feel more like slaves than loving servants, put upon by spouse, children, and others. However, if they assume this attitude, it will communicate itself emotionally to the child, who will feel that he is receiving little love from the acts of service.
Loving service is not slavery, as some fear. Slavery is imposed from the outside and is done with reluctance. Loving service is an internally motivated desire to give one’s energy to others. Loving service is a gift, not a necessity, and is done freely, not under coercion. When parents serve their children with a spirit of resentment and bitterness, a child’s physical needs may be met, but his emotional development will be greatly hampered.
Because service is so daily, even the best parents need to stop for an attitude check now and then, to be sure that their acts of service are communicating love.
The Ultimate Purpose of Service
The ultimate purpose for acts of service to children is to help them emerge as mature adults who are able to give love to others through acts of service. This includes not only being helpful to cherished loved ones, but also serving persons who are in no way able to return or repay the kindnesses. As children live with the example of parents who serve the family and those beyond the walls of their home, they too will learn to serve.
The Bible suggests that sacrificial service is one way we please God. While dining in the home of a prominent religious leader, Jesus told His host:
When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed ….1
What powerful words! This is what we want for our children—to be able to perform acts of service with compassion and genuine love. But our children are immature. They are naturally self-centered and cannot be expected to serve others with selfless motivation. They want to be rewarded for their good behavior. It takes a long time for them to be able to give love through selfless acts of service.
How do we move toward this ultimate goal? First, we make sure that our children feel genuinely loved and cared for. We keep their emotional tanks full. Also, we are role models for them. By our example, they first experience loving acts of service. As they grow older and are able to show appreciation, we can gradually move from commands to requests. Requests do not demand. It is difficult for children to feel good about expressing appreciation when they are commanded to do so. It is the difference between “Say thank you to your father,” or “Would you say thank you to your father?” Making requests is more soothing, forestalls anger, and helps us be positive and pleasant.
It is difficult for children to feel good about expressing appreciation when they are commanded to do so.
As children mature, they increasingly notice what is being done for them and are also aware of what has been done in the past. Of course, they don’t remember anyone changing their diapers or feeding them. But they see other parents caring for their infants in this way and know that they enjoyed the same acts of service. With an assurance of being genuinely loved, they are able to appreciate when food is prepared and served. They will become more aware of story times and family play, of parents teaching them to ride a bicycle, helping them with homework, caring for them when they are ill, comforting their feelings when they are hurt, taking them to special places, and buying treats and gifts.
Eventually these children will notice that their parents do things for others. They will learn how to wait on a sick person or to give money to the less fortunate. They will want to participate in work projects that help other people, especially those adventures which take them out of their familiar routine. They don’t have to travel far to find the less fortunate. In most towns of any size, there are people in need. Your family, either alone or with a community or church group, can take a day or a week to offer your services to a mission, a camp for underprivileged children, a food pantry or soup kitchen, a mission, or a nursing home. When parents and their children work together in such acts of service, the activity becomes a powerful lesson in the joys of helping others.
And, of course, there are those occasional more exotic service opportunities overseas through work or private organizations. One year I (Ross) volunteered as a doctor with a Christian mission agency—Wycliffe Bible Translators—in Bolivia. The whole Campbell family came and helped. I remember treating a three-year-old Indian boy with a badly broken leg in our clinic. For six weeks he was in traction and unable to be moved. Many missionary children there performed acts of service for the little boy. I was thrilled at Christmas, when our Carey, then eight years old, gave the boy’s sister her most treasured Christmas gift, a new doll.
Teaching by Example
The heart of social and missionary service is a desire to help others with acts of service. Yet parents can get off track and actually prevent their children from being able to give of themselves unselfishly. We must be careful in our acts of service to never show conditional love. When parents give of themselves to their children only when they are pleased by their behavior, such acts of service are conditional. Our watching children will learn that a person should help others only if there is something in it for him.
“What’s in it for me?” is a predominant attitude in our society. And yet, it is exactly opposite to the love language of acts of service (and contrary to the heart of Christian social and missionary service). You may be one of the children raised in this self-involved mind-set. Now you want your own children to develop into people of integrity. You want them to be kind and generous to others, particularly to the less fortunate, without expecting anything in return. And you may wonder if that is possible in our society.
It certainly is possible, but it depends very much on you. Your children need to see in you the traits you want them to develop. They need to experience your acts of service to them and be involved in your caring for other people. You can teach them by example to show concern for others.
“Do–Good Projects”
One of the finest ways to do this is by hosting others in your home. Family hospitality is a great treasure, for in this act of service people truly get to know each other and to form strong friendships. As you open your home to others, your children learn this meaningful way of sharing love with friends and family.
Interestingly, people increasingly are hosting gatherings in restaurants instead of their homes. But the warmth and intimacy of a home is special. It is important to foster good relationships with other people, and that happens at a deeper level in a home.
In the Chapman family, we had an open house every Friday night for college students during the early ’70s. The students came from nearby schools, including Wake Forest University, and we’d pack in from twenty to sixty students. Our format was simple. From 8 to 10 p.m. we had a discussion about a relational, moral, or social issue, drawn from a Bible passage. Next came refreshments followed by informal conversations. At midnight we kicked them out.
Our children, Shelley and Derek, were young during those years and wandered in and out of the meetings. It was not unusual to find one of them sleeping in a student’s lap by the fireplace, or engaging someone in conversation. The students were our extended family, and the children looked forward to Friday evenings.
Often on Saturday mornings some of the students returned for what we came to call “Do-Good Projects.” We would load up in the van and distribute them around the community to rake leaves for the elderly or clean gutters or other jobs that needed to be done. Shelley and Derek always went along on these service projects. And yes, they insisted on having their own rakes, although their greatest joy was to jump in the leaves after they were raked.
We are convinced that sharing our home with others and involving the family in service projects had a profound and positive effect on our children.
As adults, Shelley and Derek look back on this involvement with students as a significant part of their childhood. Shelley, who is now an OB/GYN physician, acknowledges that talking with the students from Bowman Gray Medical School made a strong impression on her choice of vocation. Both she and Derek are very people-oriented. Derek has been known to invite street people into his apartment during the winter (did we really teach him this?). We are convinced that sharing our home with others and involving the family in service projects had a profound and positive effect on our children.
Make it your goal that your children will learn to be comfortable in serving others. Your children won’t pick this up by accident. Rather, they will learn it as they watch you serving them and other people. They will also learn as you give them small levels of responsibility for helping you serve. As they grow, you can increase what they do.
When Your Child’s Primary Love Language Is Service
Acts of service that are genuine expressions of love will communicate on an emotional level to most children. However, if service is your child’s primary love language, your acts of service will communicate most deeply that you love Johnny or Julie. When that child asks you to fix a bicycle or mend a doll’s dress, he or she does not merely want to get a task done; your child is crying for emotional love. That’s what Jake was really asking his dad, Will, to do.
When we parents recognize and respond to these requests and give the help with a loving and positive attitude, the child will go away with a full love tank, as Jake did. But when parents refuse to respond to the needs, or do so with harsh or critical words, the child may ride off on a repaired bike, but do so with a discouraged spirit.
If your child’s primary love language is acts of service, this does not mean that you must jump at every request. It does mean that you should be extremely sensitive to those requests and recognize that your response will either help fill the child’s love tank or else puncture the tank. Each request calls for a thoughtful, loving response.
What the Children Say
Look at what the following children say about their primary love language.
Krystal, age seven, has had numerous health problems during the past three years. “I know Mommy loves me ’cause when I need help with my homework, she helps me. When I have to go to the doctor, she gets off from work and takes me. When I am really sick, she fixes my favorite soup.”
Bradley, twelve, lives with his mother and younger brother. His father left when Bradley was six. “I know my mom loves me because she sews the buttons on my shirt when they fall off and also helps me with my homework every night. She works hard in an office so we can have food and clothes. I think my dad loves me, but he doesn’t do much to help.”
Jodi, fourteen, attends a special education class at the public school. She lives with her mother. “I know Mom loves me because she helps me make my bed and wash my clothes. At night, she helps me do my homework, especially my art.”
Melanie, also fourteen, is the oldest of four children. “I know my parents love me because they do so many things for me. Mom made my costume for the school drama; in fact, she made costumes for two other people too. That made me really proud of her. Dad has always helped me with my homework, and this year he has really put in some time on my algebra. I couldn’t believe he could remember all that stuff.”
For these children, their parents’ acts of service came through as emotional love. Parents whose children speak this primary love language learn that serving is loving. Serve your child—and others—and they will know you love them.
IF YOUR CHILD’S LOVE LANGUAGE IS
ACTS OF SERVICE …
Here are a few more ideas especially for parents. Pick and choose among them to try something new you think your child will appreciate.
• Help your child practice for their sports team, such as pitch and catch for baseball or shooting free throws for children participating in basketball.
• Sit down and help your child if they’re having computer problems.
• Instead of just telling your younger children to go to bed, pick them up and gently carry them and tuck them in their blankets.
• For school-age children, help them select their outfit for the day as they are waking up in the morning.
• Occasionally wake up a half hour earlier to make a special surprise breakfast for your children.
• Begin teaching your child the importance of serving others through regular involvement together in a local community group or church ministry.
• For younger children, set up your child’s favorite toys while they are taking a nap or are at school so they can immediately play with them (with you!).
• When running late to an appointment or meeting, help your child quickly finish what they are doing so you can both be ready faster instead of just telling them to hurry.
• During a time when your child is sick, go the extra step by setting up their favorite movie, reading them stories, or buying them a book in one of their favorite series.
• Connect your child with one of your friends or family members who can help them in an area of interest such as computer technology, soccer, piano playing, or scouting.
• Choose one area in which you determine to always serve your child above and beyond normal expectations. Examples could include making sure there are always marshmallows in your child’s hot chocolate, making sure their favorite teddy bear is in their bed at bedtime, or having all of the paint supplies ready when they are ready to paint.
• Start a “birthday dinner” tradition where you make your child any meal they want on their birthday.
• Make a list of several of your child’s favorite things they do with you. Then periodically do one of their favorites when they least expect it.
• Create flash cards for your child’s upcoming test or quiz. Work together with your child until they feel confident with the material.
• Assist your child in fixing a favorite broken toy or bicycle. Simply taking the time to repair it communicates love to a child whose love language is acts of service.
About The 5 Love Languages of Children
The 5 Love Languages of Children by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell is a groundbreaking parenting guide that reveals how every child has a unique way of understanding and receiving love. Building on the bestselling The 5 Love Languages concept, this book helps parents discover their child's primary love language and learn to speak it fluently.
About the Authors:
- Dr. Gary Chapman is a renowned marriage counselor, bestselling author, and creator of the original Five Love Languages concept. His books have sold millions of copies worldwide and transformed countless relationships.
- Dr. Ross Campbell is a psychiatrist specializing in children and adolescents, with decades of experience helping families build stronger emotional connections.
Table of Contents
- Chapter 1: Love Is the Foundation
- Chapter 2: Love Language #1 - Physical Touch
- Chapter 3: Love Language #2 - Words of Affirmation
- Chapter 4: Love Language #3 - Quality Time
- Chapter 5: Love Language #4 - Gifts
- Chapter 6: Love Language #5 - Acts of Service
- Chapter 7: How to Discover Your Child's Primary Love Language
- Chapter 8: Discipline and the Love Languages
- Chapter 9: Learning and the Love Languages
- Chapter 10: Anger and Love
- Chapter 11: Speaking the Love Languages in Single-Parent Families
- Chapter 12: Speaking the Love Languages in Marriage
- Epilogue: What Might Be Is Still Ahead