speaking the love languages in marriage

Someone has said, “The best way to love your children is to love their mother [father].” That’s true. The quality of your marriage greatly affects the way you relate to your children—and the way they receive love. If your marriage is healthy—both partners treating each other with kindness, respect, and integrity—you and your spouse will feel and act as partners in parenting. But if you are critical, harsh, and unloving toward each other, you are not likely to be in accord as you raise your children. And the children, always sensitive to feelings, will sense it.

It’s probably obvious now: The most essential emotional element in a happy and healthy marriage is love. Just as your child has an emotional love tank, you do too. And so does your spouse. We want to feel deeply loved by our mates, for then the world looks bright. But when the love tank is empty, we have the gnawing feeling, “My spouse doesn’t really love me,” and our whole world begins to look dark. Much of the straying and misbehavior in marriages grows out of these empty love tanks.

To feel loved and to strengthen your child’s sense of being loved, you need to speak your spouse’s primary love language as well. We conclude The 5 Love Languages of Children by talking about the love languages of adults. As a husband or wife, you will find that one of the five love languages speaks more deeply to you emotionally than the others. When your spouse expresses love to you in this primary language, you really feel loved. You like all five languages, but this one is special.

As children differ, so do adults. Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary love language. Don’t assume your spouse speaks your language or a language you learned from your parents. Those are two common mistakes. Maybe your father said, “Son, always give a woman flowers. Nothing is more important than flowers.” And so you give your wife flowers and it seems to be no big deal to her. The problem is not in your sincerity but that you are not speaking her primary language. She appreciates the flowers, but one of the other languages would speak more deeply to her.

If spouses do not speak each other’s primary language, their love tanks will not be filled; when they come down off the “in love” emotional high, their differences will seem bigger and their frustration with each other will mount. They may think about the warm emotions they used to experience and seek to recapture that “in love” feeling so they will be happy again. And yet, they don’t know how to do it with their spouse, since life at home has become dull and predictable and far less than satisfying.

“In Love” or Loving?

Too many people enter marriage through a “falling in love” experience, during which they see the object of their love as perfect. While they are blind to any imperfections, they are also sure that their experience of love is unique and that they are the first to love anyone so deeply. Of course, in time their eyes are opened and they come down to earth where they can see the other person as he or she really is, warts and all. The vast majority of “in love” experiences end up “out of love.”

Most people have fallen in love, maybe several times, and they look back on those experiences with thanksgiving that they didn’t do anything foolish while the sensation was at its peak. But too many people today are acting on the obsession and causing great harm to their families. That’s how marital affairs begin, seeking after an elusive feeling they may have had during their dating years or early months of marriage. But lesser feelings do not mean dwindling love.

There is a difference between love and being “in love.” The “in love” feeling is temporary, a primitive emotional reaction that often has little logical basis. Genuine love is quite different, in that it places the needs of the other person first and desires for the partner to grow and flourish. Genuine love allows the mate to choose to return the love. In marriage, we all need a partner who will choose to love us. When that happens, we can happily receive love from the other one and feel thrilled that our mate benefits from our efforts to love and make him or her happy.

This kind of love takes sacrifice and hard work. Most couples reach a point where they lose those exhilarating “in love” feelings and wonder if they still love the one they married. It is then that they need to decide whether they are going to make their marriage work, to care for their mates regardless of everything else, or if they are just going to let the relationship go.

You may find yourself thinking, “But this sounds so sterile. Love as an ‘attitude’ with appropriate behavior?” As I mentioned in the book The 5 Love Languages , some spouses really like and desire the fireworks.

Where are the shooting stars, the balloons, the deep emotions? What about the spirit of anticipation, the twinkle in the eye, the electricity in a kiss, the excitement of sex? What about the emotional security of knowing that I am number one in my partner’s thoughts?1

That’s not wrong, of course. Such feelings at times reward our commitment to relationship. But we shouldn’t expect them. Yet we do need our mate to fill our love tank. He will do it if he speaks the love language we understand.

That’s what Carla was missing in her marriage. “I just don’t feel that Rick loves me anymore,” she told her sister one day. “Our relationship is empty and I feel so alone. I used to be number one in Rick’s life, but now I rank about twenty—after his job, golf, football, Scouts, his family, the car, and just about everything else. I think he is glad that I’m here, doing my part, but he takes me for granted. Oh, he gets me nice gifts on Mother’s Day, my birthday, and our anniversary, and he sends me flowers on all the right days, but the gifts seem empty.

“Rick never has any time for me. We don’t go anywhere together, never do anything as a couple, and hardly talk anymore. I get angry just thinking about it. I used to beg him to spend time with me, and he said I was criticizing him. He told me to get off his back and leave him alone. He said I should be thankful that he has a good job, isn’t on drugs, and doesn’t run around on me. Well, excuse me, but that’s not enough. I want a husband who loves me and acts as if I am important enough to spend time with.”

Do you spot the love language Carla understands best, that Rick does not speak? Rick is speaking the language of gifts; Carla is crying for quality time. In the early years, she received his gifts as expressions of love; but because he ignored her primary love language, her love tank is now empty and his gifts no longer count for much.

If Carla and Rick can discover each other’s primary love language and learn to speak it, the emotional warmth of love can return to their marriage. No, not the obsessive, irrational euphoria of the “in love” experience, but something far more important—a deep inner feeling of being loved by their spouse. They will know that they are number one to the other; that they respect, admire, and appreciate each other as persons, and want to be together, living in an intimate partnership.

This is the kind of marriage people dream of, and it can be a reality when couples learn to speak each other’s primary love language on a regular basis. And it will make them stronger parents, working more as a team while giving the children security and a greater sense of love. Let’s look at how this can play out with each of the love languages.

Words of Affirmation

“I work hard,” Mark said, “and I’ve been fairly successful in my business. I’m a good father and, in my opinion, a good husband. All I ever expect from my wife is a little appreciation, but instead, what I get is criticism. It doesn’t matter how hard I work or what I do, it is never enough. Jane is always after me about something. I just don’t understand it. Most women would be glad to have a husband like me. Why is she so critical?”

As frantically as he can, Mark is waving a banner that reads, “My love language is words of affirmation. Will somebody please love me?”

But Jane doesn’t know about the five love languages any more than Mark does.2 She can’t see his banner and hasn’t the foggiest idea why he feels unloved. She reasons, “I’m a good homemaker. I take care of the kids, work full-time, and keep myself looking attractive. What more could he want? Most men would be happy to come home to a good meal and a clean house.”

Jane probably doesn’t even know that Mark feels unloved. She simply knows that periodically he explodes and tells her to stop being critical of him. If he were asked, Mark would probably admit that he enjoys the good meals and appreciates a clean house, but these do not meet his emotional need for love. His primary language is words of affirmation, and without such words, his love tank will never be full.

To the spouse whose primary love language is words of affirmation, spoken or written expressions of appreciation are like rain falling on a spring garden.

“I’m so proud of you and the way you handled the situation with Robert.”

“This is a great meal. You deserve a place in the chef’s hall of fame.”

“The lawn really looks nice. Thanks for all your hard work.”

“Ohhh, don’t you look amazing tonight!”

“I haven’t told you this in a long time, but I really appreciate that you work regularly and help pay the bills. I know it is hard on you sometimes, and I do thank you for your great contribution.”

“I love you so much. You are the most wonderful husband/wife in the world!”

Affirming words may be written as well as spoken. Before we were married, many of us wrote love letters and poems. Why not continue or revive this expression of love after marriage? If you find writing difficult, buy a card and underline the words that express your feelings and perhaps add a brief note at the bottom of the card.

Speak words of affirmation in the presence of other family members or friends and you gain an extra benefit. Not only does your spouse feel loved, but you have given others an example of how to speak affirming words. Let her mother hear you brag about your wife, and you may have a fan for life!

If such words are sincerely spoken or written, they speak volumes to a person whose primary love language is words of affirmation.

Quality Time

John wrote me after reading the book The 5 Love Languages. “For the first time I realized why Beth had complained so much about our not spending time together—her primary love language was quality time.

“Before, I had always accused her of being negative, of not appreciating all that I did for her,” John wrote. “I’m a person of action—I like to clean up messes and get things organized. From the early days of our marriage, I have always been good at fixing things around the house, keeping the yard looking good. I never understood why Beth didn’t seem to value all this but always complained that we didn’t spend time together.

“When the lights came on in my mind, I realized that she really did appreciate those things, but that they didn’t make her feel loved because service was not her love language. And so, the first thing I did was to plan a weekend away, just the two of us. We hadn’t done that in several years. When she knew I was making the arrangements, she was like a kid going on a vacation.”

After that special weekend, John looked at their finances and decided to have weekend getaways every couple of months. The weekend treks took them to different parts of their state. His letter continued:

“I also told her that I wanted us to spend fifteen minutes every night sharing with each other about the day. She thought this was great but could hardly believe I would initiate it.

“Since our first weekend away, Beth’s attitude has been totally different. She expresses appreciation for all the things I do around the house. Also, she is no longer critical—yes, my primary love language is words of affirmation. We haven’t felt this good in years. Our only regret is that we didn’t discover the five love languages earlier in our marriage.”

Beth and John’s experience is similar to that of thousands of other couples when they discover each other’s primary love language. Like John, we must both learn our spouse’s primary love language and learn to speak that love language regularly. As you do so, the other four languages will have enhanced meaning, because your spouse’s love tank will be kept full.

Gifts

All human cultures incorporate gift-giving as an expression of love between husband and wife. This usually begins before marriage, whether during the dating phase as in Western cultures or during the period before a prearranged marriage. In the West, gift-giving has been emphasized more for the male than for the female, but the receiving of gifts may also be a primary love language of men. Many husbands have admitted that when their wives come home and show them the clothes they have bought for themselves, their silent thought is, “I wonder if she will ever think about getting me a shirt, tie, or pair of socks? Does she ever think of me when she is shopping?”

For spouses whose primary love language is receiving gifts, a present says, “He was thinking about me.” Or, “Look what she bought for me.” Most gifts require a good deal of thought, and it is this thoughtfulness that communicates the love. We even say, “It is the thought that counts.” However, it is not the thought left in your head that counts—the gifts actually should be presented.

Many husbands wonder, “Does she ever think of me when she’s shopping?”

You may be unsure what to give. If so, get help. When Rob discovered that his wife’s primary love language was gifts, he was at a loss as to what to do because he didn’t know how to buy gifts. And so he recruited his sister to go shopping with him once a week to buy his wife a gift. After three months of this, he was able to select his own presents.

Cindy’s husband, Bill, enjoyed golf, and Cindy knew he would like something related to his hobby. But what? She had never learned much about the game. So twice a year she asked one of his golfing buddies to secure a golf-related gift which she in turn gave to Bill. He was always elated at how in tune she was with his desires.

Bart was a suit-and-tie man five days a week. Once a month his wife, Annie, visited the store where Bart bought his suits and asked the salesman to pick out a tie for him. The salesman kept a list of the suits, so that the ties always matched. Bart told everyone what a thoughtful wife Annie was.

Of course, buying a husband gifts assumes that the wife has available cash. If she does not work outside the home, this may mean that in a budget discussion with her husband, they should agree on a monthly amount from which she can buy gifts. If his primary love language is gifts, her husband will be happy to make that budget adjustment.

There is always a way to learn to speak your spouse’s primary language. It may take some creativity, but there is no law that says you have to do things just like other people do. Make the gifts you select tie in with your spouse’s hobby or some interest he or she is just beginning to explore. Or shop for a gift when you are away together for a day or more. You might buy a gift card for a restaurant you both like, or tickets to a play or concert. Or even a handmade certificate good for a certain amount of work to be done in the house or yard by you or by a professional. Or a couple of quiet days at a retreat center for a mother of young children. Your gift to your spouse could be a new sound system or work to be done on an older piano that he or she values.

Acts of Service

Andy was livid as he talked with a counselor. “I don’t understand it. Sarah said she wanted to be a full-time mom and that’s fine with me, since I make enough money to support us. But if she is going to stay at home, I don’t understand why she can’t keep the house in decent order. When I come home in the evening, it’s like walking into a disaster area. The bed is unmade. Her nightgown is still lying on the chair. Clean clothes are piled on top of the dryer, and the baby’s toys are scattered all over. If she went shopping, the groceries are still in the bags. And she’s watching TV, giving no thought to what we are going to have for supper.

“I’m sick of living in a pigpen. All I’m asking is that she keep the house in a halfway decent condition. She doesn’t have to cook every night—we can go out a couple of times a week.”

Andy’s primary love language was acts of service and the gauge on his love tank was reading empty. He didn’t care if Sarah stayed home or worked outside the home, but he wanted to live in a greater degree of order than they did. He felt that if she cared about him she would show it by having the house in better order and preparing meals several times a week.

By nature, Sarah was not an organized person. She was creative and enjoyed doing exciting things with the children. She placed the relationship with the children on a higher level of priority than keeping the house clean. Speaking Andy’s primary love language, acts of service, seemed almost impossible to her.

Their story may help you understand why we use the metaphor of language. If you grew up speaking English, then learning German or Japanese could seem very difficult. In a similar way, learning to speak the language of acts of service can be difficult. But when you come to understand that service is your spouse’s primary language, you can decide to find a way to speak it eloquently.

For Sarah, the answer was to work out an arrangement with a teenager next door to come over late in the afternoon to play with the children, so that Sarah could give the house a “Let’s love Andy” treatment. In exchange for the child care, she tutored the teenager in algebra several times a week. Also, Sarah began to consciously plan three dinner meals each week, preparing them in the morning and leaving only the finishing touches for evening.

Another wife in a similar situation decided, along with a friend, to take a course in basic meal preparation at a local technical institute. They cared for each other’s children while they were in class and also enjoyed the stimulation of meeting new people in the class.

Doing something that you know your spouse would like is one of love’s fundamental languages. Such acts as emptying the dishwasher, running to the drugstore to pick up a prescription, rearranging furniture, trimming shrubs, and cleaning the bathrooms are all ways of serving. It can be little things like straightening up papers in the home office or changing the baby’s diaper. It is not difficult to find out what your spouse would most desire. Just think of what they have most complained about in the past. If you can do these acts of service as expressions of love, they will seem far more noble than if you think of them as humdrum tasks that have no special meaning.

Doing something that you know your spouse would like is one of love’s fundamental languages.

Physical Touch

We must not equate physical touch simply with the sexual part of marriage. To be sure, lovemaking involves touch, but physical touch as an expression of love should not be limited to sexual intercourse. Putting your hand on your spouse’s shoulder, running your hand through her hair, massaging his neck or back, touching her arm as you give her a cup of coffee—these are all expressions of love. Of course, love is also expressed by holding hands, kissing, embracing, sexual foreplay, and intercourse. For the spouse whose primary love language is physical touch, these are love’s loudest voices.

“When my husband takes time to massage my back, I know he loves me. He is focusing on me. Every movement of his hands says, ‘I love you.’ I feel closest to him when he is touching me.” Jill is clearly revealing her primary love language, physical touch. She may appreciate gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service, but what most deeply communicates on an emotional level is her husband’s physical touch. Without that, the words may seem empty, the gifts and time meaningless, and the acts of service as so much duty. But if she is receiving physical touch, her love tank will be full and the love expressed in other languages will cause it to overflow.

Because a man’s sexual drive is physically based, whereas a woman’s sexual desire is emotionally based, husbands often assume that their own primary love language is physical touch. This is particularly true for those whose sexual needs are not met regularly. As their desire for sexual release overpowers their need for emotional love, they think this is their deepest need. If, however, their sexual needs are met, they may well discern that physical touch is not their primary love language. One way to tell is how much they enjoy physical touch that is not associated with sexual intercourse. If this is not high on their list, physical touch is probably not their primary language.

Discover and Speak Your Spouse’s Love Language

You may be asking, “Does this really work? Will it make a difference in our marriage?” The best way to find out is to try. If you don’t know your spouse’s primary love language, you could ask him or her to read this chapter and then you can talk about it. If your mate is not willing to read or to talk about it, you may have to guess. Think about his complaints, his requests, and his behavior. Also, the love language he speaks to you and others may give you a clue.

With that educated guess in mind, focus on the likely primary language and see what happens over the next few weeks. If you have judged correctly, you will probably see a change in the attitude and spirit of your spouse. If he asks why you are acting strangely, you can just say that you read something on love languages and are trying to be a better lover. The chances are good that your spouse will want to know more, and you may want to read The 5 Love Languages together, as well as this book.

Speak each other’s primary love language regularly and you will see a profound difference in the emotional climate between the two of you. With full love tanks you are better able to fill your children’s love tanks. We believe you will find your marriage and family life much more enjoyable.

Speak your spouse’s primary love language; speak your children’s love language. And as you find it making a difference, share the message of this book with your extended family and friends. Family by family, we can create a more loving society. What you do in loving your family will make a difference in our nation.

About The 5 Love Languages of Children

The 5 Love Languages of Children by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell is a groundbreaking parenting guide that reveals how every child has a unique way of understanding and receiving love. Building on the bestselling The 5 Love Languages concept, this book helps parents discover their child's primary love language and learn to speak it fluently.

About the Authors:

Dr. Gary Chapman is a renowned marriage counselor, bestselling author, and creator of the original Five Love Languages concept. His books have sold millions of copies worldwide and transformed countless relationships.
Dr. Ross Campbell is a psychiatrist specializing in children and adolescents, with decades of experience helping families build stronger emotional connections.

Speaking the Love Languages in Marriage