learning and the love languages

Parents are a child’s first and most important teachers.

Researchers now agree that the optimum time for the stimulation of basic learning abilities in a child is before the age of six. Dr. Burton White, a famed pioneer in early learning research and the founder of the Harvard Preschool Project, says, “It appears that a first-rate educational experience during the first three years of life is required if a person is to develop to his/her full potential.”1 And sociologists and educators, convinced such stimulation of the very young can spur learning abilities, have created programs such as Head Start designed to help disadvantaged children during their preschool years.

Yes, we parents are the primary teachers. And one of our primary teaching aids is proper discipline, administered with love.

In chapter 8, we considered discipline as guiding to maturity. Now let’s consider the other half of the classical idea of discipline: teaching our children. True discipline can help to develop a child’s intellect and social skills that will serve him for a lifetime.

The increased awareness in recent years of the importance of early childhood learning underscores our crucial role as parents in our child’s developing intelligence. This does not mean you must conduct formal lessons with your young child. But you should try to understand your child’s innate drive to learn, to explore, and then to satisfy his developing brain’s urgent need for sensory stimuli and enjoyable learning experiences.

Many parents watch their child’s primary occupation of play and think learning can be left for first grade. But small children love to learn. They are born with an innate hunger for learning that remains strong—unless adults bore, spank, train, or discourage it out of them. A careful observation of infants and toddlers reveals that most of their activity is not merely child’s play. Rather, our little ones are working at learning a new skill, whether it is to flip from the stomach to the back; to crawl; to pull up and later walk; or to touch, feel, and taste the world around them.

A careful observation of infants and toddlers reveals that most of their activity is not merely child’s play.

Once they learn to talk, their minds are filled with questions, and three- and four-year-olds can ask dozens of questions every day. When they reach the imitative stage and pretend to be adults, they seldom copy grown-ups at play. Rather, they imitate adults at work: teaching, driving a truck, being a doctor or nurse, caring for babies, working as a “businessman,” and more. If you observe your child’s activities for just one day and ask, “What seems to make her happiest? What holds her attention the longest?” you will likely find that it is an activity in which she is learning.

The Key to Your Child’s Learning: You

Children discover life through the five senses. A home environment that is rich in stimulation of vision, hearing, touch, taste, and smell will feed their natural desire to discover and learn. Language development depends to a great extent on the verbal stimulation children receive from adults in these early years. Thus, talking to them and encouraging them to say words cooperates with their natural desire to learn. Cheering their efforts to say words and giving corrective feedback are part of the process. In this kind of rich verbal environment, their vocabulary grows and their ability to use sentences develops. They later learn to employ this skill to express emotions, thoughts, and desires.

What is true of verbal development is true in all areas of intellectual growth. If the home does not provide this kind of basic intellectual stimulation, a child is likely to be handicapped in his later learning, and the prognosis for his educational development is poor. School programs offer only a small compensation for an unstimulating home environment.

A supportive environment and attitude will help our children learn at home. Children are more emotional than cognitive—that is, they remember feelings more readily than they do facts. This means that your children remember how they felt in a particular situation much more easily than they recall the details of the event. For instance, a child listening to a story will remember exactly how she felt long after she forgets the lesson.

Your daughter may forget the details but remember the teacher. In your teaching, this means treating her with respect, kindness, and concern. It means making her feel good about herself, and ensuring that you never criticize or humiliate her. When a teaching situation is boring or degrading, a child is likely to reject even the best teaching, especially if morality or ethics are involved. When you respect your child, she will respect you and your viewpoint.

The key to your child’s learning is you, from infancy on through all the years of formal training. Learning is a complex feat that is influenced by many factors. One of the strongest of these is your total involvement.

How the Love Languages Aid Learning

The most important fact to know about a child’s learning ability is this: For a child to be able to learn well at any age, he must be at the emotional maturational level of that particular age. As the child grows, his ability to learn increases because of several factors, the most important of which is his emotional maturity. And parents have the greatest effect on the child’s emotional growth.

We can prime our child’s learning pump by continually filling his emotional tank.

This is not to say that all learning problems are the fault of parents, since many factors can affect a child’s learning ability. However, emotional development can make a tremendous difference in the child’s learning readiness and process, and this is where parents can help the most. We can prime our child’s learning pump by continually filling his emotional tank.

As you consistently speak the five languages of love—physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, and acts of service—you are giving your child much intellectual stimulation. In the early years, when you probably don’t know your child’s primary love language, you regularly give all five. In so doing, you are not only meeting your child’s emotional need for love but are also providing him with the physical and intellectual stimuli needed to develop his emerging interests. Although your emphasis is on love, you are also teaching and training your child.

Parents who do not take time to speak the five love languages, but simply seek to meet a child’s physical needs, are neglecting her intellectual and social development. A child who is starved for love and acceptance from his parents will have little motivation to accept the challenges of learning in the early years or later in school.

Many parents do not realize that a child can fall behind emotionally. And it is certainly possible for a child to fall behind to such an extent that he can never catch up. What a tragedy! A child’s emotional maturation affects everything else—his self-esteem, emotional security, ability to cope with stress and change, ability to socialize, and the ability to learn.

Perhaps nowhere else is the connection between love and learning more clearly demonstrated than when a child’s parents separate or divorce. This traumatic break ruptures the child’s emotional tank and drains his interest in learning. In place of love, the child often feels confusion and fear, neither of which are good companions for learning. A child whose parents have divorced will usually show lessened academic interest for several months until some measure of security and assurance of love can be restored to his world. Sadly enough, some children never fully recover.

As parents, we have the greatest influence in a child’s life. If you are a single parent, by practicing your child’s love language you can help to restore your child’s sense of security. (A cooperative exspouse also will help.) This full love tank will then enable him to reach each succeeding emotional level in time to be ready to take the next step in learning.

“Tiger Mothers” and Others

Studies repeatedly show that parental involvement in education helps children thrive in school. Recently, books like The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother , by Amy Chua, have shone a spotlight on the extremes some parents go to in order to ensure their children’s academic success, and have sparked debate about exactly how involved parents should be. In an era where there is intense attention to American competitiveness in a global marketplace and concern about American student achievement as compared to students in other countries, parents feel unease about their roles and sometimes will go to extraordinary lengths to help their children succeed. At the same time, young people growing up in less-privileged environments fall further and further behind.

Often, the missing piece in these environments is the presence of a father. Research consistently demonstrates that greater attention from fathers results in less delinquent behavior and higher levels of education for the children. And while the children get blamed for delinquent behavior, it is usually the fathers who are the delinquent ones in relation to the children.

But whether you are married, remarried, or a single parent, as a parent concerned with giving your children the love they need, you want to be sure to spend the time necessary to fill their love tanks with all five love languages. You are the key to your children’s ability to learn and succeed in every way. And you have a great advantage over people outside your family—you know and understand your own children and have the home environment in which you can meet their needs.

If Your Child Is Anxious

A child who is doing well emotionally will have the concentration, motivation, and energy she needs to use her abilities to the maximum. In contrast, if she is distressed with anxiety or melancholy, or feels unloved, she probably will have problems with concentration and attention span and feel a decrease in energy. It will be more difficult for her to keep her mind on the task at hand. Studying may seem uninteresting. She will tend to be preoccupied with herself and her emotional needs, and her ability to learn will suffer.

If this anxiety continues, it will become more evident when the child enters a new learning experience. Such learning-related anxiety often appears among children who are moving from the third to the fourth grade. This grade step usually involves a change in the content and in the methods of teaching. The primary difference is the move from thinking and learning concretely to the inclusion of thinking and learning abstractly. Concrete learning deals with plain facts: Baltimore is in the state of Maryland. Abstract thinking is symbolic: words and phrases represent ideas and concepts. Moving from concrete to abstract thinking is a huge step, and not all children can accomplish it on cue.

Moving from concrete to abstract thinking is a huge step, and not all children can accomplish it on cue.

When a child fails to make this step with ease, he suffers in many ways. He cannot fully understand the content of the lessons. He senses that he is falling behind, and this damages his self-esteem, as he feels inferior to his peers. Unless this is corrected quickly, the child will develop depression, more anxiety, and will begin to feel like an overall failure. Because the move to fourth grade is one of the most critical periods of academic transition, it is worth special notice by parents.

Your child’s level of emotional maturity can make a significant difference in how he or she weathers this transition. By “emotional maturity” we mean the ability to control their anxiety, withstand stress, and maintain balance during times of change. The more your children can do these things, the better they can learn. And the best way to help your children mature emotionally and maintain a good motivational level for their age is to keep their emotional love tanks full.

One sign of anxiety in children is an inability to easily make eye contact. An extremely anxious child will have problems approaching others, adults as well as peers. The emotionally deprived child will have difficulty in the simplest communication. Routine learning is bound to be affected by this tension and anxiety.

Some of these children have been helped by special attention from their teachers that includes eye contact and physical contact. As their emotional needs are met, their fears and anxieties will lessen and their security and confidence increase. They are then able to learn. Of course, it is far preferable for these needs to be met at home by loving parents.

How Can You Motivate Your Child?

A question parents often ask is, “How can I motivate my child?” We can motivate only after we have filled our children’s love tanks and trained them to manage their anger. Failing these two essentials, it is nearly impossible to understand how to motivate children.

The key to motivating a child is to get her to take responsibility for her own behavior. A child who will not or cannot take this responsibility cannot be motivated. A child who is taking responsibility for herself is motivated.

Encourage Your Child’s Interests

You can help your child to be responsible (and therefore motivated) in two ways. The first is to patiently observe what your child is drawn to; that is, what your child enjoys, appreciates, or likes to do. Then you can encourage him in that direction. If you see an interest in your child in studying music, you can encourage that. But the key is to let the child take the initiative. When parents take the initiative to convince a child to take music lessons, the results are rarely positive.

Allow Your Child to Take Responsibility

A second way to help your child be motivated is to remember both you and your child cannot take responsibility for the same thing at the same time. If you wait and allow your child to take the initiative, she may then be motivated because you have allowed her to take responsibility. If you take the initiative and try to convince her to do something, you are assuming responsibility. A child is seldom motivated when this happens.

Let’s apply this to the area of homework and grades. Most children go through periods when doing homework becomes a problem. This is especially true when passive-aggressive behavior enters the picture. And remember, a certain amount of passive-aggressive behavior is normal in thirteen-to fifteen-year-olds.

Passive-aggressive behavior goes for the jugular; that is, it aims at what will most upset the parents. Most parents care about their kids getting good grades. So that the more importance parents place on schoolwork, the more the child will tend to resist it. And remember this: The more responsibility the parent takes regarding the homework, the less the child will take. And, the less responsibility the child takes in doing his homework, the less motivated he will be.

If you want your child to take responsibility and be highly motivated, you must realize that homework is your child’s responsibility, not yours. How do you accomplish this? Let your child know that you will be happy to help with his homework if he asks you. Since you want him to take responsibility for his work, even when he asks for help, you want to avoid taking any of the work on yourself, but want to place it back on your child.

For example, let’s say your son has a math problem. You shouldn’t solve the problem for him. Instead, you can look in the math book and show him the explanations for doing that type of problem. Then you can hand back the book so that he is able to assume responsibility for doing the problem. Eventually this will teach him to take more responsibility for himself. If you feel that the teacher has not adequately explained the concepts, you might suggest that your child ask for help the next day.

Of course, there will be times when you must clarify points of confusion or give a child additional information. This is fine as long as you are not assuming the responsibility your child should be taking. If you realize that you have been intensely involved in your child’s homework, try to gradually shift responsibility to your child. You may see a temporary reduction in grades, but your child’s ability to assume the responsibility and become self-sufficient will be well worth it. As you take this approach, your child should need less help as time goes on. And you can spend some of your time together exploring subjects of special interest to you both that are not included in a school curriculum.

Helping a child to be well motivated by permitting her to take both initiative and responsibility for her own behavior seems to be a well-concealed secret today. Most children are placed in a position where a parent or teacher takes the initiative and then assumes responsibility for her learning. Adults do this because they genuinely care for the children and mistakenly believe that the more they take initiative and responsibility, the more they are doing for the children. However, this is a serious mistake.

Using Your Child’s Love Language

Your children will reach their highest motivation and success in learning at school when they are secure in your love. If you understand your children’s primary love language, you can enhance their daily experiences by speaking their primary language as they leave for school in the morning and as they return in the afternoon. Those are two important times in the lives of school-age children. To be touched emotionally by their parents on leaving and returning home gives them security and courage to face the challenges of the day.

Julia is nine years old. After her mother, Kelly, learned about the five love languages, she made some changes in their daily routine. “I simply can’t believe the difference it made in Julia’s life,” she told us later. “Even after I heard about the love language concept and discovered that Julia’s language was acts of service, I never thought that applying this concept would be that helpful at school. But then, a friend mentioned that she was speaking her child’s love language before her daughter left for school and when she came home in the afternoon. I decided to try this and the results were almost immediate.

“Mornings at our house were always rather hectic; my husband left home at 7:00, Julia’s bus came at 7:30, and I left about 7:50. We all did our own thing and about the only meaningful contact we had with each other was a good-bye as we left the house.”

Knowing that Julia valued acts of service, Kelly asked Julia, “If I could do one thing for you in the morning that would help you, what would it be?”

Julia thought a moment. “Um … I guess having all my stuff ready to go. Because it seems I’m always looking for things, then I have to run for the bus.”

The next morning Kelly made sure Julia’s lunch, homework, and anything else she needed were safely stowed in her backpack, which waited by the door. Soon, she said, “I could tell a difference in her morning attitude. She even said thank you most days. And, when she left for school, she seemed to be in a better mood.

“Three days later, I did an act of service in the afternoons when she returned home. The first day I had bought some fruit at the farmers’ market. When she came in and dropped her backpack, I said, ‘Julia, I got those apples you like. Want to try one?’ Then we sat down to talk about her day. The next afternoon, I had found a book of hers she had thought was lost. When she came in, I said, ‘Look on the kitchen table.’ I had left her book there and she said, ‘Oh, thank you! Where did you find it?’”

Kelly began listening to her daughter’s requests more attentively, writing them down. And the after-school time became a highlight of their day.

“All of this began four months ago,” she said. “The biggest difference I notice is that when we talk about school, her comments are much more positive than they were before. It seems to me that she is having a better time and is more motivated than she was. Also, I feel that our relationship is closer.”

If Julia’s primary love language had been physical touch, then a warm hug as she left for the bus each morning and open arms as she walked into the house in the afternoon would have served the same emotional purpose. Of course, she would have enjoyed the treats too.

Perhaps you cannot be home when your children return after school. If so, the next best thing is to show a sincere expression of love when you walk in the door. If your last encounter in the morning and your first encounter in the evening is to speak the primary love language of your children, you will be performing one of your most meaningful deeds of the day. And, this just may have a positive impact on their motivation for learning.

About The 5 Love Languages of Children

The 5 Love Languages of Children by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell is a groundbreaking parenting guide that reveals how every child has a unique way of understanding and receiving love. Building on the bestselling The 5 Love Languages concept, this book helps parents discover their child's primary love language and learn to speak it fluently.

About the Authors:

Dr. Gary Chapman is a renowned marriage counselor, bestselling author, and creator of the original Five Love Languages concept. His books have sold millions of copies worldwide and transformed countless relationships.
Dr. Ross Campbell is a psychiatrist specializing in children and adolescents, with decades of experience helping families build stronger emotional connections.

Chapter 9: Learning and the Love Languages