T HE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES OF CHILDREN

physical touch
words of affirmation
quality time
gifts
acts of service

love is the foundation

Brad and Emily couldn’t figure out what was wrong with Caleb, their eight-year-old son. He had been an above-average learner and still did his homework, but this year he was struggling in school. He would go to the teacher after she had given an exercise and ask her to explain it again. He’d visit her desk up to eight times a day, asking for further instructions. Was it poor hearing or a comprehension problem? Brad and Emily had Caleb’s hearing tested, and a school counselor gave him a comprehension test. His hearing was normal and his understanding typical for a third-grader.

Other things about their son puzzled them. At times, Caleb’s behavior seemed almost antisocial. The teacher would take turns eating with her third-grade students during lunch, but Caleb would sometimes push other children aside so he could be near her. During recess, he would leave other children whenever the teacher appeared on the playground, running to her to ask an insignificant question and escape the others. If the teacher participated in a game during recess, Caleb would try to hold the teacher’s hand during the game.

His parents had met with the teacher three times already, and neither they nor the teacher could find the problem. Independent and happy in grades one and two, Caleb now seemed to show “clinging behavior” that made no sense. He also was fighting much more with his older sister Hannah, although Emily and Brad assumed that was just a stage he was passing through.

When this couple came to my “The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted” seminar and told me about Caleb, they were worried, wondering if they had a budding rebel on their hands. “Dr. Chapman, we know this is a marriage seminar and maybe our question is out of place,” Emily said, “but Brad and I thought that perhaps you could give us some guidance.” Then she described her son’s worrisome behavior.

I asked these parents whether their own lifestyle had changed this year. Brad said he was a salesman, out on calls two nights a week, but home between 6:00 and 7:30 p.m. on the other week-nights. Those nights were spent catching up on emails and texts and watching a little TV. On weekends, he used to go to football games, often taking Caleb. But he hadn’t done that in a year. “It’s just too much of a hassle. I’d rather watch the games on TV.”

“How about you, Emily?” I asked. “Have there been any changes in your lifestyle over the last few months?”

“Definitely,” she said. “I’ve been working part-time at the college for the last three years since Caleb entered kindergarten. But this year I took a full-time job there, so I get home later than usual. Actually my mom picks him up at school, and Caleb stays with her for about an hour and a half until I pick him up. On the evenings that Brad is out of town, Caleb and I usually have dinner with my folks and then come home.”

It was almost time for the seminar session to begin, yet I sensed I was beginning to understand what was going on inside of Caleb. So I made a suggestion. “I’m going to be talking about marriage, but I want each of you to be thinking about how the principles I am sharing might apply to your relationship with Caleb. At the end of the seminar, I’d like to know what conclusions you have drawn.” They seemed a little surprised that I was ending our conversation without making any suggestions, but they both were willing to go along with my request.

At the end of the day, as other participants at our seminar were filing out, Brad and Emily hurried up to me with that look of fresh discovery. “Dr. Chapman, I think we have just gained some insight into what’s going on with Caleb,” Emily said. “When you were discussing the five love languages, we both agreed that Caleb’s primary love language is quality time. Looking back over the last four or five months, we realized that we have given him less quality time than we had before.

“When I was working part-time, I’d pick him up from school every day, and we would usually do something together on the way home, maybe run an errand or stop by the park or get ice cream together. When we got home, Caleb would play games for a while. Then after dinner, I would often help him with his homework or we’d watch something on TV, especially on the nights Brad was away. All that has changed since I started my new job, and I realize I’m spending less time with Caleb.”

I glanced at Brad, and he said, “For my part, I realize I used to take Caleb with me to football games, but since I stopped going, I haven’t replaced that father-son time with anything. He and I haven’t really spent a great deal of time together the last few months.”

“I think you may have discovered some real insight into Caleb’s emotional need,” I told them. “If you can meet his need for love, I think there is a good chance you will see a change in his behavior.” I suggested some key ways to express love through quality time and challenged Brad to build time with Caleb into his schedule. I encouraged Emily to look for ways she and Caleb could once more do some of the things they did before she started her full-time job. They both seemed eager to translate their insight into action.

“There may be other factors involved,” I said, “but if you will give your son large doses of quality time and then sprinkle in the other four love languages, I think you will see a radical change in his behavior.”

We said good-bye. I never heard from Emily and Brad, and to be honest, I forgot about them. But about two years later I returned to Wisconsin for another seminar, and they walked in and reminded me of our conversation. They were all smiles; we hugged each other, and they introduced me to friends they had invited to the seminar.

“Tell me about Caleb,” I said.

They both smiled and said, “He’s doing great. We meant to write you many times but never got around to it. We went home and did what you suggested. We consciously gave Caleb lots of quality time over the next few months. Within two or three weeks, really, we saw a dramatic change in his behavior at school. In fact, the teacher asked us to come in again, and we were worried. But this time, she wanted to ask what we had done that had brought about such a change in Caleb.”

The teacher told them that Caleb’s inappropriate behavior had stopped: no more pushing other children away from her in the lunchroom; no more coming to her desk to ask question after question. Then Emily explained that her husband and she had begun to speak Caleb’s “love language” after attending a seminar. “We told her how we had started giving him overdoses of quality time,” said Emily.

This couple had learned to speak their son’s love language, to say “I love you” in a way that Caleb could understand. His story encouraged me to write this book.

Speaking your child’s primary love language does not mean he or she will not rebel later. It does mean your child will know you love him, and that can bring him security and hope; it can help you to rear your child to responsible adulthood. Love is the foundation.

You may truly love your child, but unless she feels it—she will not feel loved.

In raising children, everything depends on the love relationship between the parent and child. Nothing works well if a child’s love needs are not met. Only the child who feels genuinely loved and cared for can do her best. You may truly love your child, but unless she feels it—unless you speak the love language that communicates to her your love—she will not feel loved.

Filling the Emotional Tank

By speaking your child’s own love language, you can fill his “emotional tank” with love. When your child feels loved, he is much easier to discipline and train than when his “emotional tank” is running near empty.

Every child has an emotional tank, a place of emotional strength that can fuel him through the challenging days of childhood and adolescence. Just as cars are powered by reserves in the gas tank, our children are fueled from their emotional tanks. We must fill our children’s emotional tanks for them to operate as they should and reach their potential.

But with what do we fill these tanks? Love, of course, but love of a particular kind that will enable our children to grow and function properly.

We need to fill our children’s emotional tanks with unconditional love, because real love is always unconditional. Unconditional love is a full love that accepts and affirms a child for who he is, not for what he does. No matter what he does (or does not do), the parent still loves him. Sadly, some parents display a love that is conditional; it depends on something other than their children just being. Conditional love is based on performance and is often associated with training techniques that offer gifts, rewards, and privileges to children who behave or perform in desired ways.

Of course, it is necessary to train and discipline our children—but only after their emotional tanks have been filled (and refilled—they can deplete regularly). Only unconditional love can prevent problems such as resentment, feelings of being unloved, guilt, fear, and insecurity. Only as we give our children unconditional love will we be able to deeply understand them and deal with their behaviors, whether good or bad.

Molly remembers growing up in a home of modest financial resources. Her father was employed nearby and her mother was a homemaker, except for a small part-time job. Both parents were hardworking people who took pride in their house and family. Molly’s dad cooked the evening meal, and he and Molly cleaned up the kitchen together. Saturday was a day for weekly chores, and Saturday nights they enjoyed hot dogs or burgers together. On Sunday mornings, the family went to church and that evening they would spend time with relatives.

When Molly and her brother were younger, their parents read to them almost every day. Now that they were in school, Mom and Dad encouraged them in their studies. They wanted both children to attend college, even though they did not have this opportunity themselves.

In junior high, one of Molly’s friends at school was Stephanie. The two had most classes together and often shared lunch. But the girls didn’t visit each other at home. If they had, they would have seen vast differences. Stephanie’s father was a successful executive who was able to provide generously for the family. He was also away from home most of the time. Stephanie’s mother was a nurse. Her brother was away at a private school. Stephanie had also been sent to a boarding school for three years until she begged to attend the local public school. With her father out of town and her mother working so much, the family often went out for meals.

Molly and Stephanie were good friends until the ninth grade, when Stephanie went off to a college-prep school near her grandparents. The first year, the girls exchanged letters; after that, Stephanie began dating and the letters became less frequent and then stopped. Molly formed other friendships and then started dating a guy who transferred to her school. After Stephanie’s family moved away, Molly never heard from her again.

If she had, she would have been sad to know that after marrying and having one child, Stephanie was arrested as a drug dealer and spent several years in prison, during which time her husband left her. In contrast, Molly was happily married with two children.

What made the difference in the outcome of two childhood friends? Although there is no one answer, we can see part of the reason in what Stephanie once told her therapist: “I never felt loved by my parents. I first got involved in drugs because I wanted my friends to like me.” In saying this, she wasn’t trying to lay blame on her parents as much as she was trying to understand herself.

Did you notice what Stephanie said? It wasn’t that her parents didn’t love her, but that she did not feel loved. Most parents love their children and also want their children to feel loved, but few know how to adequately convey that feeling. It is only as they learn how to love unconditionally that they will let their children know how much they are truly loved.

A Word of Hope

Raising emotionally healthy children is an increasingly difficult task these days. The influence of media, the cultural push for kids to grow up quickly, the violence and drugs that plague some communities—not to mention the fact that many parents are struggling economically—challenge families daily.

It is into such stark reality that we speak a word of hope to parents. We want you to enjoy a loving relationship with your children. Our focus in this book is on one exceedingly important aspect of parenting—meeting your children’s need for love. We have written this book to help you give your children a greater experience of the love you have for them. This will happen as you speak the love languages they understand and can respond to.

Every child has a special way of perceiving love. There are five ways children (indeed, all people) speak and understand emotional love. They are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts , and acts of service. If you have several children in your family, chances are they speak different languages, for just as children often have different personalities, they may hear in different love languages. Typically, two children need to be loved in different ways.

Whatever love language your child understands best, he needs it expressed in one way—unconditionally. Unconditional love is a guiding light, illuminating the darkness and enabling us as parents to know where we are and what we need to do as we raise our child. Without this kind of love, parenting is bewildering and confusing. Before we explore the five love languages, let’s consider the nature and importance of unconditional love.

We can best define unconditional love by showing what it does. Unconditional love shows love to a child no matter what. We love regardless of what the child looks like; regardless of her assets, liabilities, or handicaps; regardless of what we expect her to be; and, most difficult of all, regardless of how she acts. This does not mean that we like all of her behavior. It does mean that we give and show love to our child all the time, even when her behavior is poor.

Does this sound like permissiveness? It is not. Rather, it is doing first things first. A child with a full love tank can respond to parental guidance without resentment.

Some people fear that this may lead to “spoiling” a child, but that is a misconception. No child can receive too much appropriate unconditional love. A child may be “spoiled” by a lack of training or by inappropriate love that gives or trains incorrectly. True unconditional love will never spoil a child because it is impossible for parents to give too much of it.

No child can receive too much appropriate unconditional love.

These principles may be difficult for you because they go against what you have previously thought to be true. If that is the case, you may not find it easy to offer unconditional love to your children. However, as you practice it and then see the benefits, you will find it easier to do. Please hang in there and do what is best for your children, knowing that your love will make the difference between children who are well-adjusted and happy and those who are insecure, angry, inaccessible, and immature.

If you have not loved your children in this way, you may find it difficult at first. But as you practice unconditional love, you will find it has a wonderful effect, as you become a more giving and loving person in all your relationships. No one is perfect, of course, and you cannot expect yourself to love unconditionally all of the time. But as you move toward that goal, you will find that you are more consistent in your ability to love, no matter what.

You may find it helpful to frequently remind yourself of some rather obvious things about your children:

1 They are children.
2 They will tend to act like children.
3 Much childish behavior is unpleasant.
4 If I do my part as a parent and love them, despite their childish behavior, they will mature and give up their childish ways.
5 If I love them only when they please me (conditional love), and if I express my love to them only at those times, they will not feel genuinely loved. This will damage their self-image, make them feel insecure, and actually prevent them from moving into better self-control and more mature behavior. Therefore, their development and behavior is as much my responsibility as it is theirs.
6 If I love them only when they meet my requirements or expectations, they will feel incompetent and will believe it is pointless to do their best, since it is never enough. They will always be plagued by insecurity, anxiety, low self-esteem, and anger. To guard against this, I need to often remind myself of my responsibility for their total growth. (For more on this, you will want to read How to Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell.)
7 If I love them unconditionally, they will feel comfortable about themselves and will be able to control their anxiety and their behavior as they grow to adulthood.

Of course, there are age-appropriate behaviors with our sons and daughters. Teens act differently than little children, and a thirteen-year-old will respond differently than a seven-year-old. But we must remember they are still minors, not mature adults, so we can expect them to fail at times. Show patience with them as they learn to grow.

What Your Child Needs from You

This book focuses primarily on our children’s need for love and how to provide it. That’s because it is their greatest emotional need and greatly affects our relationship with them. Other needs, especially physical needs, are easier to recognize and usually easier to fulfill, but they are not as satisfying or life-changing. Yes, we need to provide our children shelter, food, and clothing. But we are also responsible to foster the mental and emotional growth and health of our children.

A child needs to develop relational skills so that she will treat all persons as having equal value.

Volumes have been written on a child’s need for healthy self-esteem or an appropriate sense of self-worth. The child with an embellished sense of self will see himself as superior to others—as God’s gift to the world and deserving of whatever he wants. Studies show this inflated sense of self-esteem is rampant among the young today. Psychology professor Jean Twenge notes that measures of self-esteem have risen consistently since the 1980s among children of all ages—and “what starts off as healthy self-esteem can quickly morph into an inflated view of oneself.”1

But equally damaging, the child who underestimates his worth will struggle with thoughts such as, “I am not as smart, athletic, or beautiful as others.” “I can’t” is his theme song, and “I didn’t” is his reality. It is worthy of our best efforts as parents to see that our children develop appropriate self-esteem so that they will view themselves as important members of society with special talents and abilities and will feel a desire to be productive.

Children also have a universal need for security and safety. In our world of uncertainties, at home and “out there,” it is increasingly difficult for parents to provide this sense of security. More and more parents hear the painful question of children who ask, “Are you going to leave me?” The sad fact is that many of their friends’ parents have left. If one parent is already gone, a child may fear that the other will also leave.

A child needs to develop relational skills so that she will treat all persons as having equal value and will be able to build friendships through a balanced flow of giving and receiving. Without these skills, a child is in danger of becoming withdrawn and remaining that way into adulthood. A child lacking essential relational skills might also become a controlling bully who lacks empathy and treats others cruelly. Finally, a child must learn to relate properly to authority. Without this, no other abilities will mean very much.

Parents need to help their children develop their special gifts and talents so that the children will feel the inner satisfaction and sense of accomplishment that come from using one’s innate abilities. Conscientious parents must maintain the delicate balance between pushing and encouraging.

Love As Children Grow

All these and more are legitimate needs of children, and yet, in this book, we are focusing on love. We believe a child’s need for love is basic to all other needs. Receiving love and learning to give love is the soil out of which all positive endeavors grow.

During the Early Years

During infancy, a child does not distinguish between milk and tenderness, between solid food and love. Without food, a child will starve. Without love, a child will starve emotionally and can become impaired for life. A great deal of research indicates that the emotional foundation of life is laid in the first eighteen months of life, particularly in the mother/child relationship. The “food” for future emotional health is physical touch, kind words, and tender care.

As toddlers gain a greater sense of identity, they begin to separate themselves from their love objects. Although before this time the mother may have removed herself from the child’s vision, now the child has the ability to remove himself from persons he depends on. As he becomes more outgoing, he learns to love more actively. No longer a passive receiver of love, he now has the capacity to respond. However, this capacity is more one of possessing the loved one than of self-giving. During the next several years, the child’s ability to express love increases, and if he continues to receive love, he will increasingly give love.

Children need to reach appropriate emotional levels of maturity before they are able to learn effectively at their age level.

The foundation of love laid in the early years affects a child’s ability to learn and largely determines when she is able to grasp new information. Many children go to school ill-prepared to learn because they are not emotionally ready to learn. Children need to reach appropriate emotional levels of maturity before they are able to learn effectively at their age level. Simply sending a child to a better school or changing teachers is not the answer. We must make sure our children are emotionally ready to learn. (See chapter 9

During Adolescence

Meeting a child’s need for love is not as simple as it may sound, and that’s especially true when adolescence begins. The dangers of adolescence are threatening enough in themselves, but a child entering this time with an empty emotional tank is particularly vulnerable to the problems of the teenage years.

Children raised with conditional love learn how to love that way. By the time they reach adolescence, they often will manipulate and control their parents. When they are pleased, they please their parents. When they are not pleased, they frustrate their parents. This leaves the parents paralyzed because they are waiting for their teens to please them, but these teenagers don’t know how to love unconditionally. This vicious cycle usually turns into anger, resentment, and acting out by the teenagers.

Love and Our Children’s Feelings

Children are primarily emotional beings and their first understandings of the world are emotional. Several studies have shown that the mother’s emotional state even affects the baby in the womb. The unborn child responds to the mother’s anger or happiness. And as children grow, they are extremely sensitive to the emotional state of their parents.

In the Campbell family, many times our children were more aware of their father’s feelings than of their own. Often, for instance, one of them would identify how I was feeling when I wasn’t aware of it. My daughter would say something like, “What are you so angry about, Dad?” Even if I wasn’t aware of my anger, I would stop and think and realize that, yes, I was still upset about something that had happened during the day.

Other times, one of my children would say, “What are you so happy about, Daddy?”

“How did you know I was so up?” I would ask, wanting to know if I had given some clue. Once our daughter Carey said, “Because you were whistling a happy tune.” I didn’t even realize I was whistling.

Aren’t kids great? They are so sensitive to our feelings. That is why they are so keenly aware of our displays of love to them. And that is also why they are afraid of our anger. We will talk more about this later.

We must communicate love in a language our children understand. The teenage runaway is a child who is convinced that no one loves him or her. Many of the parents of these runaways would protest that they do love their children, and that may be. But they have not successfully communicated that love. The parents have cooked meals, washed clothes, provided transportation, and given educational and recreational opportunities. All of these are valid expressions of love if the unconditional love is in place first. But they are never a substitute for this most crucial kind of love, and children know the difference. They know if they are receiving what they most deeply crave.

Does Your Child Feel Your Love?

Nearly all parents deeply love their children, yet not all children feel that unconditional love and care. Why this contradiction? Often, parents assume that their kids just “know” they love them, or that saying “I love you” will be enough. But children are behaviorally motivated. They respond to actions—what you do with them. So to reach them, you must love them on their terms.

Your children will sense how you feel about them by how you behave toward them.

There are advantages to this approach for parents. For example, if you have had a hard day and you’re down and discouraged when you return home, you don’t feel especially loving. But you can behave in a loving way, because behavior is simple. You can give your love to your children, even when you don’t feel loving.

You may wonder if that is being honest and if your children can see right through you. In a way they can, because they are exquisitely sensitive emotionally. They know when you don’t feel loving, and yet they experience your love behaviorally. Don’t you think they are even more grateful and appreciative when you’re able to be loving, no matter how you feel inside?

Your children will sense how you feel about them by how you behave toward them. It was the apostle John who wrote, “Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”2 If you began to list all the behavioral ways to love a child, I doubt that you could fill more than one page. There just aren’t that many ways, and that is fine, because you want to keep it simple. What matters is to keep your children’s love tanks full. You can simply remember that behavioral expressions of love can be divided into physical touch, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and words of affirmation.

Beginning with chapter two, we will help you uncover your child’s primary love language. A word of caution, though. If your child is under age five, don’t expect to figure out his primary love language. You can’t. The child may give you clues, but his love language is rarely clearly seen. Just speak all five languages. Tender touch, supporting words, quality time, gifts, and acts of service all converge to meet your child’s need for love. If that need is met and your child genuinely feels loved, it will be far easier for him to learn and respond in other areas. This love interfaces with all other needs a child has. Speak all five languages when your child is older, too, for he needs all five to grow, even though he craves one more than the others.

A second caution: When you discover your child’s love language and thus she receives the love she needs, don’t assume everything in her life will be problem-free. There will still be setbacks and misunderstandings. But your child, like a flower, will benefit from your love. When the water of love is given, your child will bloom and bless the world with beauty. Without that love, she will become a wilted flower, begging for water.

Because you want your children to grow into full maturity, you will want to show them love in all the languages and then teach them how to use these for themselves. The value is not only for your children, but for the people with whom they will live and associate. One mark of a mature adult is the ability to give and receive appreciation through all the love languages—physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, and acts of service. Few adults are able to do this; most of them give or receive love in one or two ways.

If this is not something you have done in the past, you may find that you too are changing and growing in understanding and in the quality of your relationships. In time, you will have a truly multilingual family.

About The 5 Love Languages of Children

The 5 Love Languages of Children by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell is a groundbreaking parenting guide that reveals how every child has a unique way of understanding and receiving love. Building on the bestselling The 5 Love Languages concept, this book helps parents discover their child's primary love language and learn to speak it fluently.

About the Authors:

Dr. Gary Chapman is a renowned marriage counselor, bestselling author, and creator of the original Five Love Languages concept. His books have sold millions of copies worldwide and transformed countless relationships.
Dr. Ross Campbell is a psychiatrist specializing in children and adolescents, with decades of experience helping families build stronger emotional connections.

Chapter 3: Love Language #2 - Words of Affirmation