how to discover your child’s primary love language

We have introduced you to each of the five love languages, and you have heard the children describe how a certain love language really speaks to them. Yet you may still wonder, What’s my child’s primary love language? I’m not sure I know. Spotting your child’s primary language of love may take time, but there are clues all around. This is our detective chapter, in which we help you discover your child’s primary love language.

Before you begin to uncover those clues, however, let’s consider one other crucial reason it’s worth the search. We have mentioned that speaking your child’s primary love language helps her feel loved. When your child feels loved, when her emotional tank is full, she will be more responsive to parental guidance in all areas of her life. She will listen without resentment. But there is an equally grand reason to learn your child’s love language—and to speak the other four languages as well. As we speak love in the five languages, all the while specializing in her language of love, we show her how to love others and her own need to learn to speak others’ love languages.

The Way of Unselfishness

The ability to give love and nurture in all the languages will make your children more balanced persons who can function well in society. As they do this, they can speak the love languages to meet their own needs and to be of help to others.

All children are selfish, so they are often unaware of the importance of communicating in ways that are not familiar or comfortable. For example, one child may have a problem sharing—and thus in giving gifts. Another may tend to be a loner and find it difficult to understand the need of gregarious people for quality time. A third child may be so behaviorally oriented that he has difficulty communicating verbally. Very quiet children are often this way. Helping such a child to be more verbal, affirmative, and outgoing is a significant expression of love on the part of the parents. He will be learning the important language of affirming words.

When we as parents learn to speak our children’s love language, even though it differs from our own, we are showing them the way of unselfishness.

When we as parents learn to speak our children’s love language, even though it differs from our own, we are showing them the way of unselfishness, the way of serving others. We are guiding them into an important part of becoming an adult—giving and caring for others. Imagine, for instance, if all our children learned to appreciate love language #5, acts of service. Community associations that go begging for volunteers in city cleanup campaigns would have most streets cared for on the big day; they’d have lots of volunteers for the “welcome neighbor” program. Churches would have a waiting list of people wanting to help with committee work and serve behind the scenes.

It Takes Time

Knowing this, we should agree that speaking the five love languages with our children is important, and learning our children’s primary language is crucial. How do we learn their language?

It takes time. With an infant, you must express love in all five languages; that’s how he will develop emotionally. And yet, even then you may begin to see clues of your child’s preferred language—if you are liberally using all of them. For instance, one child may show little response to his mother’s voice while another child may find her voice incredibly soothing. One baby may be calmed by the nearness of another person, while another will seem not to notice very much.

As your child grows, you will begin to see that one of the love languages speaks far more deeply of your love than the others; also, when that one is used negatively, your child feels very hurt. Remember those two truths about the five love languages and you will become more effective in expressing your love and less destructive when you feel angry or frustrated with your child.

Discovering your child’s love language is a process; it takes time, especially when your child is young. Young children are just beginning to learn how to receive and express love in the various languages. This means that they will experiment with actions and responses that are satisfying to them. That they engage in a particular response for a period of time does not mean that this is their primary love language. In a few months, they may specialize in another one.

Stages in Loving: Cami’s Story

In the Campbell family, we were intrigued by watching our granddaughter, Cami, interact with the elderly persons at the nearby nursing home where her great-grandmother lived. Even when she was two and three years old, Cami loved to draw pictures for the residents and give each of them one. She also would make sure that her great-grandmother received enough cards and presents for her birthday and Christmas, even though her great-grandmother had Alzheimer’s and did not really know Cami. It would have been easy for us to assume that Cami’s primary love language was acts of service. However, that would have been a mistake, since she was too young for anyone to have an accurate reading on this. Also, we observed her need for attention from her parents, especially physical touch, eye contact, words of affection, and quality time.

As Cami grew, we enjoyed watching her ways of showing and receiving love, all the while remembering that children go through periods where their primary love language can temporarily change, especially during adolescence. We mention this because we want you to remember that a love language is not set in stone. While you need to look for your child’s primary language, you also need to keep in mind that children go through stages in loving, as they do in everything else. They experiment in reaching out, just as they do in their hobbies and academic interests. They may seem to prefer one language for receiving love and another for giving it. You want to make sure you do not “peg” a child when he or she may be changing.

We want you to remember that a love language is not set in stone.

As we emphasize your child’s primary love language in this chapter, please remember that, as we have said, you cannot ignore the other four. Your child needs to learn to give and to receive love in all the languages. This is crucial because as he matures, he will encounter people whose primary love language is different from his own. The more effectively he can speak love in all the languages, the more effective he will be as a communicator of love and appreciation to his future spouse and children, work associates, and friends.

The supreme value of discovering your child’s primary love language is that it gives you the most effective means of communicating emotional love. When you perceive that your child is discouraged and feeling distant, and you want to express emotional warmth to her, you will know how to focus your love.

Don’t Be Fooled!

As you begin to look for a child’s primary love language, it is better not to discuss your search with your children, and especially with teenagers. By nature children are self-centered. If they see that the concept of love languages is important to you, they may well use it to manipulate you to satisfy their momentary desires. The desires they express may have little to do with their deep emotional needs.

For example, if a child has been begging you for an iPhone, he may see the love language idea as a way to manipulate you to buy the device. All he has to do is to tell you that his primary language is gifts and that if you really love him, you will buy the iPhone. As a conscientious parent wanting to find his primary language, you are likely to buy the phone before you realize that you have been hoodwinked. Remember, positive parenting does not mean giving your children everything they want.

You can employ the following methods as you seek to discover your child’s primary love language.

1. Observe How Your Child Expresses Love to You.

Watch your child; he may well be speaking his own love language. This is particularly true of a young child, who is very likely to express love to you in the language he desires most to receive. If your five-to eight-year-old frequently gives you words of appreciation such as, “Mommy, you’re pretty,” or “Daddy, thanks for helping me with my homework,” or “I love you, Mommy,” or “Have a good day, Dad,” you can rightly suspect that his primary love language is words of affirmation.

This method is not as effective with fifteen-year-olds, particularly those who are accomplished in manipulation. They may have learned by trial and error that if they say positive words, you are more likely to give in to one of their desires, even if you are not completely convinced that you should. For this reason, this first method is best used for children who are between five and ten years of age.

2. Observe How Your Child Expresses Love to Others.

If your first-grader always wants to take a present to his teacher, this may indicate that his primary love language is receiving gifts. However, be careful that you are not suggesting presents for the teacher. If you are, your child is merely following your lead and the gift is not an expression of love, nor is it a clue to his primary love language.

A child whose language is gifts receives tremendous pleasure from getting presents and wants others to enjoy this same pleasure. He assumes that they will feel what he does when they receive a gift.

3. Listen to What Your Child Requests Most Often.

If your child often asks you to “look what I’m doing,” play outside together, or sit and read a story to her, she is requesting quality time. If her requests seem to fit this pattern, she is asking for what she needs most emotionally, namely, your undivided attention. Of course, all children need attention, but for one who receives love most deeply this way, the requests for time together will greatly outnumber all the others.

If your child constantly solicits comments on his work, then his love language may be words of affirmation. Questions such as, “Mom, what do you think of the paper I wrote?” or “Does this outfit look okay?” or “Dad, how did I do in the game?” are all requests for words of affirmation. Again, all children need and want such words and will occasionally ask for them. But if your child’s requests tend to focus in this area, this is a strong indication that his love language is words of affirmation.

4. Notice What Your Child Most Frequently Complains About.

This approach is related to the third, but, instead of directly asking for something, this time your child is complaining that he is not receiving something from you. If he complains, “You’re always busy” or “You always have to take care of the baby,” or “We never go to the store together,” he is probably revealing more than a simple frustration at the coming of a new baby. He is expressing that since the baby arrived, he is feeling less love from you. In his complaints, he is clearly requesting quality time.

An occasional complaint about the lack of quality time does not indicate the child’s primary love language. For example, “Daddy, you work too much” may repeat what a child has heard the mother say. Or, “I wish our family took vacations like Ben’s family” may express a desire to be like Ben.

Every child complains now and then. Many of these complaints are related to immediate desires and are not necessarily an indication of a love language. But if the complaints fall into a pattern so that more than half the complaints focus on one love language, then they are highly indicative. Their frequency is the key.

5. Give Your Child a Choice Between Two Options.

Lead your child to make choices between two love languages. For example, a father might say to a ten-year-old, “Eric, I’m going to get off early Thursday afternoon. We could go to the gym together or I could help you pick out some new basketball shoes. Which would you prefer?” The child has a choice between quality time and a gift. A mother might say to her daughter, “I have some free time this evening. We could take Daisy to the dog park or I could help you study for the test. Which would you prefer?” This obvious choice is between quality time and an act of service.

As you give options for several weeks, keep a record of your child’s choices. If most of them tend to cluster around one of the five love languages, you have likely discovered which one makes your child feel most loved. At times, your child will not want either option and will suggest something else. You should keep a record of those requests also, since they may give you clues.

If your child wonders what you are up to, giving such choices so frequently, and asks what is going on, you might say, “I’ve been thinking about how I invest my time with the family. When we have time together, I thought it would be good if I knew your thoughts and feelings about what we do with that time. It has been helpful for me. What do you think?” You can be as philosophical or as simple as you wish. However, what you are saying is true. As you seek to discover your child’s love language, you are also giving him an exercise in choice.

Using Choices to Discover the Love Language

Choices at 6

The choices you offer your child depend on age and interest. The following are merely examples to stimulate your creativity. To a first-grader you might say:

“Would you like for me to make you some cupcakes (acts of service) or for us to have lemonade on the deck (quality time)?”

“Would you rather wrestle (physical touch) or read a story together (quality time)?”

“While I am out of town for two days, would you rather I bring you a present (gift) or send you a special email (words of affirmation)?”

“Would you like to play our game, ‘I like you because …’ (words of affirmation) or would you like me to put up new shelves in your room (acts of service)?”

The game, “I like you because …” is one in which parent and child take turns completing the sentence, “I like you because …” For example, the parent says, “I like you because you have a beautiful smile.” Then the child may say, “I like you because you read stories to me.” The parent says, “I like you because you are kind to your sister.” This is an enjoyable way of giving affirming words to the child and teaching him to affirm the parent. The game may also incorporate the ABCs so that the first “I like you …” must start with an A, as in, “Because you are active.” The second begins with a B, as in, “Because you are beautiful.”

Choices at 10

If your child is closer to ten years old, you might ask questions such as:

“For your birthday, would you rather have a new bicycle (gift) or a trip with me to Washington, D.C. (quality time)?”

“Would you rather I fix your computer this evening (acts of service) or that we play basketball together (quality time and physical touch)?”

“When we see Grandma this weekend, would you prefer that I tell her what a great job you did in school this quarter (words of affirmation) or that I buy you a surprise when we are there for doing so well (gift)?” You may choose to do both.

“Would you prefer I watch you practice your gymnastics (quality time) or that we buy you a new pair of jeans (gift)?”

Choices at 15

For a fifteen-year-old, the following choices might be appropriate: You and your child have bought an old car that you are trying to get in good condition by the time he is sixteen. The option is, “This Saturday, would you like us to work on the car together (quality time) or would you rather that I work on it while you spend time with your friends (acts of service)?”

“Would you prefer we buy you a jacket Saturday afternoon (gift) or that the two of us spend time at the cabin while Dad is away (quality time)?”

“Since you and I are the only ones at home tonight, would you rather that we eat out (quality time) or that I fix your favorite pizza (acts of service)?”

“If you were feeling discouraged and I wanted to build you up, which would be more helpful to you—if I sat down and told you how much I love and appreciate you, and then mentioned some of your positive traits (words of affirmation) or if I simply gave you a bear hug and said, ‘I’m with you, man’ (physical touch)?”

Giving choices will be helpful only if you do it often enough to see a pattern showing a clear preference in love languages. You will probably need to offer twenty to thirty choices before you can see a clear pattern emerging. Isolated answers may just indicate the preference of the moment.

If you decide to be very creative about this, you could draw up thirty of the either/or choices, being sure that you include an equal number of options for each love language. Then present it to your child as a sort of research project on choices. Most teens will cooperate in such an effort, and the results may give you a clear reading on your child’s love language.

A Fifteen-Week Experiment

If none of the above suggestions give you much clue as to your child’s primary love language, this one may work for you. But if you begin it, be prepared to continue for the full term, fifteen weeks.

First, choose one of the five love languages to focus on for two weeks, as you express love to your child. For example, if you begin with quality time, each day you will seek to communicate your love by giving your child at least thirty minutes of your undivided attention. One day take her to breakfast. Another day, play a computer word game or read a book together. As you give this amount of undivided attention, observe how your child responds. If, by the end of the two weeks, your child is begging for freedom, you know you have to look elsewhere. If, however, you see a new twinkle in her eye and you are getting positive comments on how much she enjoys your time together, you may have found what you were looking for.

After the two weeks, take a week off, not totally withdrawing but giving about one-third the time you did before. This allows the relationship to move closer to what it was before. Then select another love language and focus on it for the next two weeks. For example, if you choose physical touch, you will touch your child in some meaningful way at least four times every day. So, before he leaves for school, you give him a hug and kiss. When he comes home, you greet him with another quick hug. When he sits down to dinner, rub his back for a minute. Later, when he is doing homework, pat him on the shoulder. Repeat this process every day, varying your expressions of physical touch, but always giving meaningful touches at least four times a day.

Then observe his response. If by the end of the two weeks he is pulling back and saying, “Stop touching me,” you know this is not his primary love language. But if he is going with the flow, letting you know that it feels good, you may be on the right track.

The following week, draw back somewhat and notice your child’s response. Then choose another love language and follow the same scenario. Keep observing your child’s behavior as you move through the next weeks. He may begin requesting one language you spoke previously. If so, he is giving you a clue. Or he might complain that you stopped doing what you did two weeks ago; that’s a clue too.

If your child wonders what you are up to, you can respond, “I want to love you in every way I can, so that you will know how much I care about you.”

If your child wonders what you are up to, you can respond, “I want to love you in every way I can, so that you will know how much I care about you.” Don’t mention the concept of primary love languages. And, as you are pursuing this experiment, keep in mind that your child still needs love shown through all the love languages—soothing words, focused attention, acts of love, appropriate gifts, and physical touch along with loving eye contact.

If You Have Teenagers …

If you are rearing teenagers, you know that this job is like none other in the world. Because of the changes they are experiencing, your teens’ giving and receiving of love may also change with their moods. Most teens go through periods that can best be described as “grunt stages,” because all you can get out of them is a couple of muffled words that sound like grunts.

Mom: “Hi, honey, how are you doing?”

Tim: “Okay.” (Barely audible)

Mom: “What have you been up to this morning?”

Tim: “Nuthin’.” (Barely audible)

A teenager in this difficult stage may not be able to receive any love language except physical touch, and only then if you are quick about it. Of course, these teens do come up for air now and then, and during their more coherent times you will want to show them all the love you can, particularly in their own primary language.

Teenagers at times make it difficult for you to fill their emotional love tank. They are testing you, to see if you really love them. They may do this by acting sullen for no obvious reason, making something more difficult for you than it should be, or simply by being passive-aggressive in their behavior. Such behavior may be their subconscious way of asking, “Do you really love me?”

These behaviors are always a test for parents. If you can remain calm, cool, and kind (firm but kind), you pass the test and your teens will eventually mature beyond that difficult stage.

When Dan was thirteen, he began testing his parents. His father, Jim, felt some initial frustration but then realized that he had let Dan’s love tank go dry. Knowing that Dan’s primary love language was quality time, he decided to spend a whole weekend with his son, filling that tank up—quite a challenge since teenagers have a large love tank. After their weekend together, Jim felt that he had done what he set out to do, and resolved that he would never again let Dan’s love tank run dry.

The evening they came back, Jim had an important meeting, one that Dan knew about. Just as Jim was leaving, Dan called, “Dad, got a minute?” Here was the test. Dan was really asking, “Dad, do you really love me?” So many parents are trapped by this test and blow their cool.

Fortunately, Jim realized what was happening and set a time to talk with Dan. He said, “I have to get to my meeting right now; let’s get together as soon as I come home, about 9:30.”

If Jim had lost his patience with Dan and said, “I just spent the whole weekend with you! What else do you need?” he could have punctured a hole in the love tank he had just spent forty-eight hours filling.

Becoming Multilingual

Whatever your child’s love language may be, remember that it’s important to speak all five languages. It is easy to make the mistake of using one love language to the exclusion of the others. This is especially true of gifts, because they seem to take less of our time and energy. But if we fall into the trap of giving our children too many gifts, we deprive them of healthy and full love tanks, and we can also cause them to see the world through materialistic eyes.

In addition, learning to speak all five love languages will help us to nurture people throughout our lives, not only our children but spouses and friends and relatives. Right now, our emphasis is on nurturing our children, but we know that in a few years they will be reaching out to all sorts of people, most of them quite different from themselves.

As parents, we need to remember that learning the love languages is a maturational process, and that becoming mature is a slow, painful, and often difficult journey. As we become multilingual, we also will be helping our children to learn how to give and receive in all the love languages. As we are faithful in loving and providing examples, we can then envision our children moving into their adult lives able to share love with others in so many ways. When this happens, they will be outstanding adults!

About The 5 Love Languages of Children

The 5 Love Languages of Children by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell is a groundbreaking parenting guide that reveals how every child has a unique way of understanding and receiving love. Building on the bestselling The 5 Love Languages concept, this book helps parents discover their child's primary love language and learn to speak it fluently.

About the Authors:

Dr. Gary Chapman is a renowned marriage counselor, bestselling author, and creator of the original Five Love Languages concept. His books have sold millions of copies worldwide and transformed countless relationships.
Dr. Ross Campbell is a psychiatrist specializing in children and adolescents, with decades of experience helping families build stronger emotional connections.

How to Discover Your Child's Primary Love Language