A Personal Word

In chapter 2, I warned the reader that “understanding the five love languages and learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior.” Now I ask, “What do you think?” Having read these pages, walked in and out of the lives of several couples, visited small villages and large cities, sat with me in the counseling office, and talked with people in restaurants, what do you think? Could these concepts radically alter the emotional climate of your marriage? What would happen if you discovered the primary love language of your spouse and chose to speak it consistently?

Neither you nor I can answer that question until you have tried it. I know that many couples who have heard this concept at my marriage seminars say that choosing to love and expressing it in the primary love language of their spouse has made a drastic difference in their marriage. When the emotional need for love is met, it creates a climate where the couple can deal with the rest of life in a much more productive manner.

We each come to marriage with a different personality and history. We bring emotional baggage into our marriage relationship. We come with different expectations, different ways of approaching things, and different opinions about what matters in life. In a healthy marriage, that variety of perspectives must be processed. We need not agree on everything, but we must find a way to handle our differences so that they do not become divisive. With empty love tanks, couples tend to argue and withdraw, and some may tend to be violent verbally or physically in their arguments. But when the love tank is full, we create a climate of friendliness, a climate that seeks to understand, that is willing to allow differences and to negotiate problems. I am convinced that no single area of marriage affects the rest of marriage as much as meeting the emotional need for love.

The ability to love, especially when your spouse is not loving you, may seem impossible for some. Such love may require us to draw upon our spiritual resources. A number of years ago, as I faced my own marital struggles, I rediscovered my need for God. As an anthropologist, I had been trained to examine data. I decided to personally excavate the roots of the Christian faith. Examining the historical accounts of Christ’s birth, life, death, and resurrection, I came to view His death as an expression of love and His resurrection as profound evidence of His power. I became a true “believer.” I committed my life to Him and have found that He provides the inner spiritual energy to love, even when love is not reciprocated. I would encourage you to make your own investigation of the one whom, as He died, prayed for those who killed Him: “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” That is love’s ultimate expression.

The high divorce rate in our country bears witness that thousands of married couples have been living with an empty emotional love tank. The growing number of adolescents who run away from home and clash with the law indicates that many parents who may have sincerely tried to express love to their children have been speaking the wrong love language. I believe that the concepts in this book could make an impact upon the marriages and families of our country.

I have not written this book as an academic treatise to be stored in the libraries of colleges and universities, although I hope that professors of sociology and psychology will find it helpful in courses on marriage and family life. I have written not to those who are studying marriage but to those who are married, to those who have experienced the “in love” euphoria, who entered marriage with lofty dreams of making each other supremely happy but in the reality of day-to-day life are in danger of losing that dream entirely. It is my hope that thousands of those couples will not only rediscover their dream but will see the path to making their dreams come true.

I dream of a day when the potential of the married couples in this country can be unleashed for the good of humankind, when husbands and wives can live life with full emotional love tanks and reach out to accomplish their potential as individuals and as couples. I dream of a day when children can grow up in homes filled with love and security, where children’s developing energies can be channeled to learning and serving rather than seeking the love they did not receive at home. It is my desire that this brief volume will kindle the flame of love in your marriage and in the marriages of thousands of other couples like you.

Actionable Wrap-Up

Identify spouse primary language (if unsure, run a 5-week rotation test).
Schedule two recurring weekly expressions in calendar.
Start “tank check” question every Sunday night.
Add a shared note tracking what landed well.
Share concept onward—teaching reinforces practice.

Transformation compounds through small, consistent, language-aligned choices—start, sustain, refine.

About This Book

Chapman, Gary - The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (Chapman, Gary)

Summarizes a universal, learnable method for sustaining emotional love via five calibrated expression modes, empowering marriages and families.

Revisit list quarterly; refine habits as life seasons shift.

A Personal Word

Actionable Wrap-Up

About This Book

Table of Contents