Keeping the Love Tank Full

Discover the powerful metaphor that explains why some relationships thrive while others struggle - and learn how to keep your spouse's emotional love tank at full capacity.

Quick Summary

The emotional "love tank" is a powerful metaphor for understanding human relationships. Just as children need their love tanks filled to develop properly, adults need consistent emotional love to thrive in marriage. When love tanks are empty, relationships suffer; when they're full, couples can navigate any challenge together. This chapter introduces the foundational concept that underlies all successful relationships.

Key Takeaways

Love is humanity's deepest need - more fundamental than any other emotional requirement
The love tank metaphor - everyone has an internal gauge measuring how loved they feel
Children's behavior reflects tank levels - misbehavior often signals an empty love tank
Adult relationships follow the same pattern - marital problems often stem from empty love tanks
Full tanks transform relationships - when both spouses feel loved, they can overcome any obstacle

The Universal Need for Love

The Nature of Love: Complex Yet Essential

Love is the most important word in the English language—and the most confusing. Both secular and religious thinkers agree that love plays a central role in life. We are told that "love is a many-splendored thing" and that "love makes the world go round." Thousands of books, songs, magazines, and movies are peppered with the word. Numerous philosophical and theological systems have made a prominent place for love. And the founder of the Christian faith wanted love to be the distinguishing characteristic of His followers.

Psychologists have concluded that the need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need. For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships. Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our plight in life. The Christian apostle to the Gentiles, Paul, exalted love when he indicated that all human accomplishments that are not motivated by love are, in the end, empty. He concluded that in the last scene of the human drama, only three characters will remain: "faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

The Confusion Around Love

If we can agree that the word love permeates human society, both historically and in the present, we must also agree that it is a most confusing word. We use it in a thousand ways. We say, "I love hot dogs," and in the next breath, "I love my mother." We speak of loving activities: swimming, skiing, hunting. We love objects: food, cars, houses. We love animals: dogs, cats, even pet snails. We love nature: trees, grass, flowers, and weather. We love people: mother, father, son, daughter, parents, wives, husbands, friends. We even fall in love with love.

If all that is not confusing enough, we also use the word love to explain behavior. "I did it because I love her." That explanation is given for all kinds of actions. A man is involved in an adulterous relationship, and he calls it love. The preacher, on the other hand, calls it sin. The wife of an alcoholic picks up the pieces after her husband's latest episode. She calls it love, but the psychologist calls it codependency. The parent indulges all the child's wishes, calling it love. The family therapist would call it irresponsible parenting. What is loving behavior?

The Focus: Emotional Love for Health

The purpose of this book is not to eliminate all confusion surrounding the word love, but to focus on that kind of love that is essential to our emotional health. Child psychologists affirm that every child has certain basic emotional needs that must be met if he is to be emotionally stable. Among those emotional needs, none is more basic than the need for love and affection, the need to sense that he or she belongs and is wanted. With an adequate supply of affection, the child will likely develop into a responsible adult. Without that love, he or she will be emotionally and socially retarded.

The Love Tank Metaphor

I liked the metaphor the first time I heard it: “Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty ‘love tank.’” I was listening to Dr. Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of children and adolescents.

As I listened, I thought of the hundreds of parents who had paraded the misdeeds of their children through my office. I had never visualized an empty love tank inside those children, but I had certainly seen the results of it. Their misbehavior was a misguided search for the love they did not feel. They were seeking love in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways.

I remember Ashley, who at thirteen years of age was being treated for a sexually transmitted disease. Her parents were crushed. They were angry with Ashley. They were upset with the school, which they blamed for teaching her about sex. “Why would she do this?” they asked.

At the heart of mankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.

In my conversation with Ashley, she told me of her parents’ divorce when she was six years old. “I thought my father left because he didn’t love me,” she said. “When my mother remarried when I was ten, I felt she now had someone to love her, but I still had no one to love me. I wanted so much to be loved. I met this boy at school. He was older than me, but he liked me. I couldn’t believe it. He was kind to me, and in a while I really felt he loved me. I didn’t want to have sex, but I wanted to be loved.”

Ashley’s “love tank” had been empty for many years. Her mother and stepfather had provided for her physical needs but had not realized the deep emotional struggle raging inside her. They certainly loved Ashley, and they thought that she felt their love. Not until it was almost too late did they discover that they were not speaking Ashley’s primary love language.

The emotional need for love, however, is not simply a childhood phenomenon. That need follows us into adulthood and into marriage. The “in love” experience temporarily meets that need, but it is inevitably a “quick fix” and, as we shall learn later, has a limited and predictable life span. After we come down from the high of the “in love” obsession, the emotional need for love resurfaces because it is fundamental to our nature. It is at the center of our emotional desires. We needed love before we “fell in love,” and we will need it as long as we live.

The need to feel loved by one’s spouse is at the heart of marital desires. A man said to me recently, “What good is the house, the cars, the place at the beach, or any of the rest of it if your wife doesn’t love you?” Do you understand what he was really saying? “More than anything, I want to be loved by my wife.” Material things are no replacement for human, emotional love. A wife says, “He ignores me all day long and then wants to jump in bed with me. I hate it.” She is not a wife who hates sex; she is a wife desperately pleading for emotional love.

Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments. At the heart of mankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love. That is why the ancient biblical writings spoke of the husband and wife becoming “one flesh.” That did not mean that individuals would lose their identity; it meant that they would enter into each other’s lives in a deep and intimate way. The New Testament writers challenged both the husband and the wife to love each other. From Plato to Peck, writers have emphasized the importance of love in marriage.

But, if love is important, it is also elusive. I have listened to many married couples share their secret pain. Some came to me because the inner ache had become unbearable. Others came because they realized that their behavior patterns or the misbehavior of their spouse was destroying the marriage. Some came simply to inform me that they no longer wanted to be married. Their dreams of “living happily ever after” had been dashed against the hard walls of reality. Again and again I have heard the words “Our love is gone, our relationship is dead. We used to feel close, but not now. We no longer enjoy being with each other. We don’t meet each other’s needs.” Their stories bear testimony that adults as well as children have “love tanks.”

Could it be that deep inside hurting couples exists an invisible “emotional love tank” with its gauge on empty? Could the misbehavior, withdrawal, harsh words, and critical spirit occur because of that empty tank? If we could find a way to fill it, could the marriage be reborn? With a full tank would couples be able to create an emotional climate where it is possible to discuss differences and resolve conflicts? Could that tank be the key that makes marriage work?

Those questions sent me on a long journey. Along the way, I discovered the simple yet powerful insights contained in this book. The journey has taken me not only through thirty years of marriage counseling but into the hearts and minds of hundreds of couples throughout America. From Seattle to Miami, couples have invited me into the inner chamber of their marriages, and we have talked openly. The illustrations included in this book are cut from the fabric of real life. Only names and places are changed to protect the privacy of the individuals who have spoken so freely.

I am convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile. Running your marriage on an empty “love tank” may cost you even more than trying to drive your car without oil. What you are about to read has the potential of saving thousands of marriages and can even enhance the emotional climate of a good marriage. Whatever the quality of your marriage now, it can always be better.

WARNING: Understanding the five love languages and learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior. People behave differently when their emotional love tanks are full.

Before we examine the five love languages, however, we must address one other important but confusing phenomenon: the euphoric experience of “falling in love.”

Real-Life Examples: Empty vs Full Love Tanks

Ashley's Story: The Search for Love
Ashley, a thirteen-year-old being treated for a sexually transmitted disease, reveals the painful reality of an empty love tank. Her parents' divorce when she was six left her feeling unloved and unwanted. "I thought my father left because he didn't love me," she explained. When her mother remarried, Ashley felt even more isolated. Her desperate search for love led her to a relationship that put her at risk, all because her emotional love tank had been empty for years.

The Universal Adult Need
The emotional need for love doesn't end in childhood—it follows us into marriage. While the "in love" experience temporarily fills our tank, it's a short-term solution with a predictable lifespan. After the euphoria fades, our fundamental need for love resurfaces because it's central to our nature.

Love Tanks in Marriage: When They're Empty vs Full

When love tanks run empty in marriage, couples experience:

Constant criticism and judgment
Emotional withdrawal and distance
Inability to resolve conflicts constructively
Focus on individual needs over partnership
Resentment and bitterness

When love tanks are full, couples experience:

Climate of emotional security and trust
Ability to discuss differences without condemnation
Willingness to work through problems together
Focus on bringing out the best in each other
Capacity for genuine intimacy and connection

The Marriage Connection

At the heart of mankind's existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love.

Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche—that's why solitary confinement is considered one of the cruelest punishments. Marriage is specifically designed to meet our deep need for intimacy and love, creating a bond that allows two people to enter into each other's lives in a profound way.

The Research: What Happens When Love Tanks Stay Empty

Dr. Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist specializing in adolescent treatment, made a striking observation: in his years of treating teenagers involved in sexual misconduct, he had never treated one whose emotional need for love had been met by their parents. His conclusion? Most adolescent sexual misconduct stems from empty emotional love tanks.

This pattern repeats throughout society:

Teenagers running away from home
Adults feeling unloved despite their spouse's sincere efforts
Couples experiencing emotional drift and disconnection
Families struggling with behavior problems

The Solution: Intentional Love Tank Maintenance

Just as you wouldn't drive your car without checking the oil, you shouldn't navigate marriage without monitoring emotional love tanks. The key insights:

Recognition: Understand that everyone has an emotional love tank
Assessment: Regularly check the level of your spouse's tank
Action: Learn and consistently speak your spouse's primary love language
Maintenance: Make love tank filling a daily priority, not an occasional gesture

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: How can I tell if my spouse's love tank is empty?
A: Look for signs like increased criticism, emotional withdrawal, lack of enthusiasm for shared activities, or expressions of feeling unappreciated or unloved.

Q: Can adults really change their emotional patterns?
A: Yes, though it requires conscious effort and consistency. Unlike the automatic filling that happens during the "in love" phase, intentional love requires deliberate choice and action.

Q: What if both our love tanks are empty?
A: Someone needs to take the first step. Start by focusing on filling your spouse's tank through their primary love language. As their tank fills, they'll be more capable of reciprocating.

Q: How long does it take to fill an empty love tank?
A: This varies based on how empty the tank is and how consistently you speak the right love language. Some people notice changes within weeks, while others may take months of consistent effort.

Warning and Promise

WARNING: Understanding the five love languages and learning to speak the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior. People behave differently when their emotional love tanks are full.

This isn't just theory—it's a practical approach that has transformed thousands of marriages. When both partners understand how to keep each other's emotional love tanks full, they create a foundation for a thriving, lasting relationship where both individuals can reach their full potential.

The question isn't whether your marriage needs this approach—it's whether you're ready to learn a new language for the sake of love.

About This Book

Chapman, Gary - The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (Chapman, Gary)

This widely adopted relationship model explains that emotional love is best communicated through one of five core languages. Learning to identify and intentionally speak your spouse’s primary language fills their “love tank,” creating stability, warmth, and resilience. Misalignment (speaking your own instead of theirs) leads to emotional drift even when effort is sincere. The remaining chapters unpack each language, practical strategies, discovery methods, and application to children and difficult seasons.

Table of Contents (Chapters & Tools)

Jump to any chapter or tool file to continue exploring the framework and applying it in daily routines.